Letters from Japan: “My American Husband Is Cheating On Me. I Want A Divorce.”

Dear Hilary,

I’m a Japanese woman in my late 30s, married to an American man for 11 years. We have no children, and both work full time (he teaches English, I work in an office). Recently I learned that he is cheating on me with another Japanese woman. Our marriage was happy, I thought. Last year he said he was having heart problems, so we stopped having sex. He is always tired and works very late, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with our marriage until I saw his messages to this other woman. He had cheated before when we were dating, but he was young at the time and I forgave him. He said he would stop seeing her, but I don’t trust him anymore. I loved him, but I think I have had enough. I talked to my friends about divorce, but they are housewives and think it isn’t a good idea for my future. What do you think is my best choice? – Tired Of This

Dear Tired Of This,

My short answer: divorce him! Honestly speaking, it is regrettable that you even married him in the first place, but as we all know, we never get married thinking it won’t work. People might claim to change, but cheating is not something that I could forgive, nor do I recommend forgiving it unless in extreme circumstances (which are overall very unlikely).

My longer answer though, took more thought. You said that you don’t trust him, and that you have had enough. I can understand that completely. I’ve been in that situation before, and know it’s not an easy decision to come to. Therefore I want you to make sure that you aren’t going to regret your decision in the future; that may be what your friends were trying to …continue reading