Letters from Japan: “I’m Confused – How Does He Feel About Me?”

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Dear Hilary,

I have read your articles on Savvy Tokyo about dating and relationships and I would really appreciate hearing your opinion about mine.

My Japanese boyfriend and I have been together for more than three years now. I would say he’s the typical Japanese guy when it comes to relationships, but his feelings sometimes confuse me. He’s nearly 4o, not very self-confident, and doesn’t feel any pressure to settle down or get married. I often ask him – even though he dislikes it – if he still loves me and so far he’s always answered “Yes but love is not a priority in my life. Work is.”

Recently, I’ve started feeling anxious about whether or not I’m part of the future he is imagining for himself, so I asked him frankly about it. He said that he enjoys his work way too much to think about any kind of future with me in it. I was heartbroken by his answer.

I asked him if I should wait for him or just give up. He told me that it would be best to think about my own future instead. He also said he was worried that I would eventually become unhappy with our relationship and that I would regret wasting my time so it would be better to find a new “guy that deserves me.” But he also said that this was not a break-up and that the decision was entirely mine to make.

I don’t know if he truly loves me or if he is simply waiting for me to let go first out of respect for how I feel about him? — Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,

Your boyfriend gave you a very clear answer – along with a way out of the relationship. I don’t think there should be any confusion when someone …continue reading