EDUCATION

This is a conversation from facebook that I got caught up in and decided to bring over here:


It started because last week I had an idea for a comedy routine that I thought would work in Japanese.

I was finishing up a shift at a yakitori restaurant where I work part time, a place where it's customary for the owner and staff to eat and drink while we wait tables and cook. When things start to wind down, the owner will often invite me to sit at the counter and share some drinks or snacks with him.

On this particular night, he offered me some Japanese sake and some french fries. As I was eating and drinking, I looked over at him and said "Drinking sake and snacking on french fries. I don't think I've ever felt MORE like an American in Japan."

And he laughed for something like 5 minutes straight.

The thing about Japan is, they LOVE to laugh about things foreign. There are stand-up comedy duo routines like "欧米化; oubeika" where one Japanese man berates another Japanese man for becoming too westernized, or performers like Dylan and Catherine, two Japanese people pretending to be American, mostly by means of speaking Japanese with an affected accent.  There are characters in advertisements like "Mr. James," the dorky white foreigner who loves Japan, or characters on TV like Bobby Ologun who make their living by playing into Japanese stereotypes.

Without getting into issues of racism, I think it's safe to say that the roles for foreigners on TV and in media are somewhat limited. Even the few foreigners who've gone from comedian/entertainer to roles with higher levels of respect and acclaim, people like Dave Spector or Makkun, are still largely defined by the Gaikokujin label.

I saw a telephone interview with Dave Spector in which he explained that Former Prime Minister Hatoyama's wife was seen by Americans as the "Lady Gaga" of Japan, a line I'm sure his producers and directors insisted on because... it's blatantly untrue. They just wanted a foreigner to confirm something they made up about Americans.

And I watched Makkun miss a kanji question on a quiz show, which prompted the comment "I think we hear that he was Harvard-educated and forget that in the end, he's still a foreigner, and Japanese is hard for foreigners."

As someone who feels strongly and negatively about the boxes that foreigners get placed in, not only on TV but in personal interactions, I was kind of surprised to find myself thinking so seriously about creating an American comedic character.

The unpolished idea was to be "THE American in Japan," and make jokes accordingly. The jokes came really easily.

Some were based on truth, little things that I really do or feel. For example, a lot of times, a Japanese person I meet for the first time extends their hand for a handshake, when I've already started to bow, which results in a bowing handshake that is hilarious. And it only happens because I'm a foreigner, and I'm trying to act accordingly to Japanese culture, while they're trying to act according to mine. 「握手しながら、お辞儀。ザ・日本にいるアメリカ人。」

Other jokes were silly stuff like "I'll only ride in a rickshaw if the driver agrees to run in the right hand lane." or "For breakfast, I eat Miso SHIRIARU (a cross between Miso Soup and the Japanese for Cereal). The latter, I felt ashamed for even thinking of, not just because they're groaners, but because they're blatant pandering to Japanese stereotypes. "What's your favorite nabe? HAMBURGER NABE! OH, AMERICA."

And then there were others. Jokes I felt like I could make without feeling like I was selling out. Something that was simultaneously self-parody, and a parody of Japanese attitudes towards foreigners like: 「要らないのに、道でビラを渡されないと寂しい。。。;   Even though I don't want them, I still feel kind of rejected when  people in the street don't try to hand me fliers. 」Equally targeting how silly it is for me to react negatively for being treated differently in a way that ultimately benefits me, AND the Japanese people who don't think a foreign face can be a customer.

And just as the "Oubeika" routine eventually started to incorporate "Nanbeika; you've been South-Americanized!" jokes, I could branch out and make other points.

"I get upset when people ask me about the US," says the Canadian in Japan." Punchline being, to Japan a foreign face equals American.

"I get really upset when people ask if there are chopsticks in other countries." Says the CHINESE PERSON in Japan! Hahaha. Cause... Japanese people forget that other Asians count as gaijin too. And they forget that chopsticks aren't unique to Japan.

Over the past few months, I've been trying my jokes out here and there, in my personal life, and through outlets like facebook and twitter. They're not all tagged with "American in Japan." Some are just jokes about language gaffs.

And the responses from Japanese people... have not been good.

I made the following joke on Twitter: "Hey Japanese-language enthusiasts, learn from my mistake! Hieshou (suffering from low body temperature) means sensitivity to the cold. Jiheishou (autism) is a different thing altogether!"

The majority of the responses from Japanese people were explanations of the difference between the two words, of even corrections of the way I had defined "hieshou." They totally missed the fact that I was consciously making a joke.

And when I explained my "American in Japan" concept to some friends, and added in the part about the Canadian who's tired of hearing "Tell me all about the States," they blanked. They said "We don't get it? Why would that bother them?" You can't expect parody to work when the target has zero self-awareness re: the shortcomings being parodied.

Which made me realize... the material doesn't matter as much as how the audience takes it. And right now, there is no place in Japanese comedy for a foreigner who isn't a stereotypical foreigner.

When I first conceived of the idea, I kind of thought that if I worked it the right way, it might have the power to change that, to change something about the way we're perceived in Japan. In practice, I realized I may have been hoping for the impossible. So I'm giving up.

Hello. I'm Bobby Judo. I am THE American in Japan.

If you're a foreigner in Japan (excepting those of Asian descent), you've been stared at. A lot.

You've probably even developed the ability to identify a certain look on the faces of some Japanese people. There's a flickering of the eyes as the wheels in their mind turn, a slight inclination of the head, and a nervous, involuntary twitching in the corners of the mouth, a fluttering movement in the lips. They're not just staring, they're working up the courage to talk to you.

When I'm not in a social mood, I catch myself hoping that they won't have to time to find ENOUGH courage before the train reaches my stop, or I finish my coffee, or whatever situation has flung us together ends... because it's almost always the same conversation. They'll ask "(Where) Are you from?" or "How long stay Japan?" and then it's on into chopstick, sushi, and samurai territory.

And keep in mind, I don't mean to make fun of anyone or imply that Japanese people can't speak English well. But I have noticed that in general, the Japanese people with the best English skills don't really tend to start random conversations with foreigners who cross their path. Maybe it's because they're internationally-minded enough to realize that we're not a big deal. In any case, it's usually the "Are you from?" crowd, and the older, less easily embarrassed people who end up speaking up.

Having been in Japan for over 5 years now, I'm not really that open to rehashing the same ground about who I am, where I come from, and what I can or cannot eat, just because people are curious. I think I've developed an aura that tends to discourage that curiosity where possible. But recently, I'm having to rethink a lot of that, because the circumstances of my life have changed.

Now, when I notice people staring at me, I can't always tell if it's because I'm a foreigner, or if it's because they recognize me from TV. The realization that this meant I was going to have change my attitude came about 3 months ago. We had just aired a segment where I went to a town called Shiroishi to learn how to harvest lotus root, and then taught the farmers how to make an Indian dish with it.

(You can actually watch that segment if you'd like, here! Sorry, it won't be subtitled.)

A few days later, at the supermarket, I got to a certain line at exactly the same time as a nervous-looking Japanese woman in her 40s. We both took a minute to try to defer to the other, non-verbally, gesturing with our hands: "You go ahead," "No, by all means, you." In the end, she had a full cart and I had two items, so I gave her a bow of gratitude and accepted.

But I could feel her behind me, hovering over my shoulder, standing a little too close and chewing her lip, building up the courage.

What she said, without prefacing it with a "hello," a "sumimasen," a "konnichiha," or a"Can you speak Japanese?" was "レンコン、観れなかった； I couldn't see the lotus root."

My first response was, "Oh. It's in the vegetable section, by the potatoes."

But she just laughed and clarified what she meant. She had seen the TV commercials for my show, and even marked it on her calendar so she could catch it. But on the day of, she got stuck in traffic, and could only catch the end, after my segment had already aired.

So we ended up talking about when I would be on next, and she was very friendly, and supportive, and said that she would be rooting for me to continue to succeed.

In the weeks and months that have followed, I've had a lot of similar conversations, and all started with a stare.

The funniest so far has been from a middle-aged man who saw me jogging past his business and hollered out　「おい、ボビー!家の店もテレビで宣伝しろ！」 or "Hey Bobby! You better introduce our place on your TV show too!" Most of the shows I do are food related, and we often go to restaurants and give them glowing reviews on TV, so when I go out to eat I hear that kind of thing a lot. "Next time you come, bring the cameras!" But when I stopped to wave back at this guy, I cracked up because his "place" was a fantastically filthy hole-in-the-wall, and it was an auto-repair garage.

But getting those kinds of reactions has really forced to me become a nicer kind of person. I have to be on my best behavior, because I never know who's watching.

Once my wife and I got home from an outing at the park in Fukuoka, and I had received a Tweet from someone I don't know. It said "Hey! You and your wife were at the Starbucks in Ohori Koen for about an hour, right? I was sitting right behind you, the whole time!" 

That... is super creepy.
To avoid that kind of thing, and so I don't come off like a closed-off douchebag to potential fans, I'm enforcing a big change. When I see someone looking at me, I'm saying "Hi."

Here's hoping a general air of positivity and friendliness will be rewarding. Rewarding enough to justify the minor annoyance of "Are you from?"

I know, I know... you guys are all like "WTF? A yojijukugo? On the Daily-Yoji? What is this, 2008?"

But there is an explanation.

I have a new TV job starting tomorrow. It's a mid-morning bangumi called "Sawada De~su!" on KBC. I'm doing a 5 minute cooking segment that they've roughly titled "Bobby's Cooking." It's all live, and it's going to be Monday~Thursday for the next two weeks.

After that, I hope that they'll consider a once a week or twice a week spot. Every day is kind of rough.


But we've spent the last month or so doing 打ち合わせ (うちあわせ；preparatory meeting)、hammering out the details and trying to decide on what kind of feel we want for my "character" and for the segment. They want to capitalize on the whole, cool looking foreigner thing, so they put together a ギャルソン (waiter) costume for me, complete with black vest and necktie. They also want me to wink... like, a lot.

They also decided that the focus of the segment should be less on the food and more on the conversation. They imposed the 5 minute limit because they thought it'd be more amusing if I have to hurry and the food didn't come out right, or I didn't finish in time and everyone got to joke about it.

But while they were searching for anything else about me that might add a little more プラスアルファ(bonus material) to the segment, I mentioned that I'm slightly more knowledgeable than average about yojijukugo. They loved that.

The way they've decided to incorporate that is by having me spout the occasional super complex Yo-ji or kotowaza while I'm doing my cooking. The first script though, for tomorrow came with a yojijukugo I'd never seen before. The director said it took her a little while to come up with one that would work. I wish she'd have taken a liiiiiittttttttle more time... because this one is kind of a stretch. Here it is:

疾風迅雷
しっぷうじんらい
shipuu jinrai

Definition:
非常にはやい風と激しい雷。行動がすばやく激しいこと。
Translation:
1. Lightning-fast
2. Fast and rough

疾風 is a strong storm or gale. Hurricane level even. 迅雷 is a clap of thunder. You can use it literally to talk about a storm, or you can use if metaphorically to talk about someone's actions.

How will I be using this you ask? Well, the recipe in question is my California Style Spicy Tuna Bowl, which necessitates the preparation of sushi rice. Since we've only got five minutes to do everything, the mixing of the sushi rice has to be done with 疾風迅雷の勢い。 Like I said, it's a stretch. They're probably going to ask me to explain it, and I'll say something like 「風のように早く、雷のように激しく。」

It has a synonymous yoji in 電光石火.

(Apologies in advance to Mike Big Island. I have extra time on my hands at work this morning, and I've been using it to pick apart his blog. My reactions to it quickly became too long to fit into comments without becoming "that guy" in the thread, and trying to post them on twitter was an even sadder state of affairs. So they got moved here where, hopefully, they won't bother anyone who isn't interested in hearing them.)

"On The Virgin Road: I am a Fake-Priest in Japan" is a brand new blog from author Mike Big Island and I think it might get very popular, very quickly.
NOT Mike in the picture above. Probably. I just Google-imaged that shit...
He writes from behind the scenes of the wedding industry in Japan, which is a fascinating field, drawing from his experience as a foreign "pastor." That experience is extensive: "many years" and over 700 weddings to date.
Here's what I like about Mike Big Island. 
Just check out the "About" page of his blog:
I am not a priest. I am not a pastor. I am an actor. I go to Japanese weddings and play the part of a Christian preacher. I am paid handsomely for this service. The couples are happy. I am happy. Everyone is happy.
This is a blog with stories from this world. The wedding industry in Japan has often been profiled  in the international media, but in a rather superficial way. I hope this blog will reveal a bit more.Simple, to the point, and most importantly, positive. Each blog post is infused with an attitude, not of resignation, but acceptance and appreciation. "This is the way Japan is, and hey, I'm doing pretty well because of it." I love that. I wish I could be more like that. So many foreigners in Japan start out feeling entitled and end up resentful. I find myself drifting too close to that path more often than I care to admit. But as Mike says, more than once, "Japan is no place for a cynic."

And I imagine he's right about the treatment of the industry in the international media. I can see the western media focusing in on things like the insane cost of rental clothing, the super-sparkly brightly colored wedding dresses, and the "gorgeous" (read: "gaudy") western-style chapels as elements of "wacky Japan." To us, priests like Mike stand out as an especially bizarre aspect of the whole affair.

But... shouldn't they? I mean, it is bizarre, isn't it?

In a Christian wedding ceremony, the pastor, or priest, or minister  (being Jewish, I'm not really sure of the nomenclature) who officiates the ceremony is acting with religious authority. He is invested with the power of God to affirm the wedding vows, and to validate the marriage.

Tell a westerner that a Japanese bride and groom place no stock in Christianity, have never been to church or come across a bible, and yet they're so enamored with the appearance of the Christian ceremony that they're willing to pay exorbitant amounts of money to replicate it... and we will think that's odd. Add to that the fact that the officiant can just be any white foreigner off the street, and yeah, you've officially made it to "wacky Japan" level.

Mike points out though, that in Japan that when it comes to ceremony, surface is often as far as it goes. The superficial appearance is all that's really expected, and all that they really want. To judge that from a western standpoint might be unfair. Yes, it is an appropriation of western culture. But just like "curry" it's an import that becomes/has become Japanese. When you view it as Japanese culture instead, maybe there's more to be said for it. I'm glad to have the chance to see it from his point of view, and the opportunity to re-evaluate some of my ethnocentric judgements.

I'm even happier that there's no sense that he feels like he's "putting one over on the Japs." I've met a few fake priests who've joked about how dumb the people who pay their wages are, or how they could say whatever they wanted during the "reading" and no one would know the difference. It's Mike's sense of responsibility to the job (he's being paid well to perform a service) and gratitude (he couldn't get a job like this anywhere else) that keep the blog from becoming the standard gaijin bitch and brag fest.

For the most part, it's refreshingly open and honest... which makes me feel like I can be open and honest too. As much as I enjoy this blog, I'm also wary of it. I'm interested to see where it goes, but here are my causes for concern.

In the "About" section, quoted above, Mike says "he plays the part of a Christian preacher." True. But he also calls himself an "actor." He stresses the word "actor" multiple times throughout his other posts as well. He even has a post up about "method acting," in which he writes:
I found myself running through the script with a bit of extra emotion, as I thought about my own children and their wedding days down the line. I wonder if this happens with stage or film “actors”, are they affected by something in the moment, altering their performance? It’s not exactly “method acting” (as I have said repeatedly, I am no priest or pastor, merely an actor) but there ARE times in the job where you do begin to feel it a bit more.Let's set aside the fact that "extra emotion," "feeling it more," or letting something in the moment affect or alter your performance... does not constitute method acting. His comparison of himself to stage or film actors betrays how seriously he takes his "role." I don't mean to criticize him for this. The couples who hire him probably get a better wedding because of it. But there's something that feels off about it. In a post entitled "So what skills do you need for this job anyway?" the author himself states that his skills were as follows: being "white, tall, young, clean-looking." Having good Japanese pronunciation also helped. Before he started doing weddings, he was given 90 minutes of training. I doubt it was an acting workshop.

Acting? Really?
If a fake priest is an actor, then the Nigerian guys who hand out fliers promoting hip-hop venues are actors too, aren't they? I would argue that "fitting the profile" doesn't make you an actor. A model, maybe. In the end, Mike's work does require that he be able to put on a show, so as far as definitions go... I can't really say that he's not an actor. But for me, the dissonance is in his attitude. Coming from someone with such an "It is what it is," outlook on life, and from someone who subtitles his blog "I'm a fake priest," the "actor, actor, actor" stuff strikes a false chord. I'd prefer he were consistent, and call it what it is: getting paid to look the part. *
My other concerns about the blog are minor, but worth mentioning.

While promising to provide a more revealing look at the industry, some of his posts seem like they miss big opportunities for insight or information, in favor of the anecdotal.

In one post, he realizes that a couple he's officiating for are a having a shot-gun wedding (できちゃった結婚；dekichatta kekkon in Japanese). He frames the entire story as though it were a silly little faux-pas. "Oops, I should've known better than to bring up anything that might potentially threaten the seeming perfection of the day."

Maybe he could've taken a minute to mention the fact that these circumstances are actually extremely common? As of 2000, 25% of all weddings in Japan were shotgun weddings. In the case of people aged 20~25 marrying, it was HALF of all the weddings(Stats here). Mike's career spans years ("Since I was a young man," he often says). I'm sure he's noticed this, and has more to say about it than "I shouldn't have asked about it." Is it too much to expect to be able to read those kinds of posts? As of now, one could easily include that same "rather superficial" accusation in a comment on most of his posts.


And finally there's a post that stood out, more than any other, as cause to fear the future. I'll reproduce the relevant bits here:
By far the best thing about this job though was the women I met. It seemed that no matter what venue I was sent to, there would be three or four beautiful musicians and attendants at the ceremony. The wedding hall staff were also usually gorgeous.... I would be the one young, single foreign guy surrounded by a dozen beautiful Japanese women. It was a dream come true.... One time I remember doing a “wedding fair”. This is a sample wedding for potential customers. The model bride was stunningly beautiful. I got the nerve up to ask her out after the fair and she said yes. We spent the next 16 hours eating, drinking and having incredible sex. She laughed when I asked her if she could get the wedding dress from the venue and wear it for me. Told me I would have to wear the pastor gown in return. Those were fun days.I've taken out a few sentences. Otherwise, this is the ENTIRE POST. All of it. If there's a point here other than "I had sex with a model," I'm not seeing it. There are lots of Japanophile guys out there that will love this kind of stuff, of course. It will fan the already scorching flames of their "Japan: The Land of Easy Pussy" daydreams. But for me, this post is pointless, and what's worse, half-assed. If you're gonna write sex... write sex. It's what the whole post is leading up to, and yet in the end it all boils down to "We had sex. It was good." Your drinking buddies wouldn't even enjoy hearing you brag about it like that.

Mike's twitter feed ( @fakepriestinjap ) boasts "More salicious (sic) [posts] to come with time." If this is the case, here's my unsolicited two: Make sure you're writing about sex for a reason other than... to tell us you had sex. And even if you can't do that, make it interesting enough that we forgive you for it.

In any case, I'm subscribing to his site and following on Twitter. I'm very interested to see where he's going with this, and hope that in time, we'll get to see a little more substance, and a little less "I don't think ring bears are cute." After all, to my knowledge, there's no one else out there blogging about this. Here's hoping Mike Big Island capitalizes on it.

* Post Publication Edit:
A new post is up on "On the Virgin Road" partially in response to my criticism of the use of the term "actor" via Twitter...  He writes:
And as to being an “actor”: well, when filing out my tax papers last year I noticed it said “haiyu” (俳優)。So for legal purposes, I’m an “actor”. Fair enough, I can live with that."I can live with that too.

TV work has been good lately.

In America, we have what we call sweeps week: the period of time when the ratings for television shows are measured, and used to make decisions about programming. There are a couple of those periods each year in Japan where they measure the 視聴率 （しちょうりつ;　shichouritsu）and determine how they're going to proceed with their respective bangumis.

For the people who work on camera, if you think about it, this period can be nerve-wracking, because if the viewers don't think you're entertaining, your show might get cancelled, or you might replaced. But as it actually plays out in real life, the directors and producers are planning a bunch of special segments that are so much fun to film that you don't really think about the consequences.

Last week I spent two days traveling around Kumamoto with this guy, Nakashima Tsugumasa-san, visiting "power spots," beautiful mountains, waterfalls, and rivers. Spent the night drinking and laughing, at a funky little mountain lodge, and woke up the next day to film a segment straight out of Power Rangers. I have footage of myself being jumped and pummeled by men in rubber suits built to look like a mutated boar, fly, and wasp.

Next week we're going to film a segment in Oita in which we go river fishing, barbecue our catch, and then play with dolphins at an aquarium. I would seriously pay money to do this shit, and instead, it's my job. And it's getting busier and busier.

Starting in October, I'll be working with the channel KBC in Fukuoka, and over the last few months I've been making very small appearances on a show called 「イケメン学園」on TNC (also Fukuoka). I discussed that show briefly in my post on rivalry, but I guess they were happy with my level of "talk," because yesterday I got an invitation to appear on another show of theirs, which brings me to the bulk of today's post.

The show is called "Gee Bee," which stands for "グルメ; gourmet" and "ビューティ; beauty." It's a "girl's talk" bangumi and you can check out the link for the TV show here.

What will I be doing on a girl's talk bangumi? I'm assuming they're asking me because of my self-proclaimed 料理人 （りょうりにん；cook) status, because the themes for the show during my appearances will be food. Here's the information I received:

内容は、女性が好む『夜食』です。
The subject will be "late night snacks" for women.
「アメリカ人が食べる夜食」とか、「こんな簡単に出来る夜食があった！」
とか、「何かと何かを混ぜると実は美味しい！」などをイメージしています。
"Popular late night snacks in America," or "You can make this late at night, really easily!" or "If you mix this and this together, it's ACTUALLY really good!" are the kind of topics they're imagining.So I have to be prepared with a number of conversation topics that will fit in along these lines.

If you guys have any suggestions, I would love to hear them in the comments. The more I have on deck, the easier and better the filming will be.

Keep in mind, these have to be not only true (ideally), but also things that will resonate with a Japanese audience. Even though the first thing that pops into my mind is "Taco Bell," there are no Taco Bells in Japan, very little Mexican food, and even less marijuana. So while I could potentially tell them "Actually, Mexican Food is very popular in America, and there's a fast food restaurant that's open 24 hours, so everyone goes there when they're stoned...." it might get like a 「ああ、そうなんだ。」out of them at BEST. Also, it's probably better to avoid the weed talk entirely.

The dog is even harder to access, culturally....
So here are some of the things I'm thinking about so far:

Eating Ice Cream Straight Out of the Tub:



This is something that I've actually had Japanese women ask me about a LOT! They see it on TV and in movies, and wonder "Do American women really do that?" I guess... yes? I mean, I used to do it. But I think in movies, it's most often used as a way to communicate that the female character is stressed out, or depressed, like what you would call やけ食い （やけぐい；yakegui) in Japanese. Putting it in a bowl is just too much of a pain in the ass... and you're probably gonna eat more than a bowl anyway.Chocolate Popcorn:
I knew a girl who used to put chunks of hard chocolate and caramel in with microwave popcorn. Also small marshmallows too. That would all melt and once the popcorn had popped, she'd give it a good stir and it would coat the popcorn. I'm not really sure how she worked out the timing in terms of WHEN do you add the meltables... but in the end it tasted... really strong. Like popcorn covered in melted chocolate and caramel. And it was really gooey and messy to eat. But she seemed to love it. Pizza Toast:



The key to a good late night snack is being able to work with whatever you have on hand, and in many American kitchens, you're likely to have bread, tomato sauce, and cheese. Even if you don't have sliced bread, maybe you have a bagel, or a hamburger bun, or crackers... you make do. For a Japanese version, people are not so likely to have tomato sauce, but they are likely to have oily canned tuna and mayo. If they're lucky enough to have bread and some kind of processed cheese, maybe tuna melts? Instant Ramen de Pasta!
Again, this kind of hinges on whether or not you have sauce. When I was little and wanted something fast and simple, but not something really bad for me, I'd throw away the Top Ramen flavoring packet. I'd just cook the noodles in boiling water, and then season with salt, pepper, garlic olive oil, and toss in whatever vegetables I had on hand. It worked just as fine with tomato sauce, any kind of cream sauce. Parmesan cheese is pretty rare here too, but that made a great addition. Salad Dressings as Meat Marinades/Sauces:
Another quick/healthy fix was to take a piece of fish or white meat chicken and leave it in a bag of Italian (or other oil/vinegar based dressing). Even if you don't have the forethought to do that, you can pan-fry the meat or fish, and pour the dressing directly into the hot pan just a bit before it's about finished. Toss to coat, salt and pepper, and you're good. Poached Eggs in the Microwave:
I'm not sure why we called these poached eggs... they were more just like, fried eggs, but in the microwave. You would lightly oil a small microwave safe bowl, crack an egg into it, season, cover with wax paper, and microwave at a low heat for like, 45 seconds. We used to eat those over toast maybe 3 times a week. Fried Eggs for people who always break them in the pan... or for people who don't want to wash a pan after? That might work.If you have any other suggestions or interesting anecdotes (and you don't mind the idea of me talking about them on TV), please let me know!

Notes:
*I promise, I'm working on setting up a new system where I can post videos of my TV work online, where blog-readers can find them, without drawing major attention to them and violating any copyrights or getting fired. I'll let you know as soon as they're available.

*Would you guys be interested at all in a vocab post about TV production jargon?

Went blog-topic fishing on Twitter and got a good question from takayamakouichiさん. He asks:
「アメリカに行って、迂闊に意見すると大変なことになるトピックは何ですか？妊娠中絶以外で!!」
"If I were to go to America, what topics should I avoid if I don't want to cause trouble? Other than abortion..." I like his phrasing, "迂闊に異見する," to carelessly give one's opinion. Imagining a Japanese visitor to America casually saying "So, abortion's pretty great, yeah?" struck me as hilarious. I'm glad you already know to avoid that one, Takayama-san. 笑

It would actually be pretty easy to list the major conversational themes to avoid in America:
ReligionPoliticsSometimes I hear "The Economy" thrown in there too, but that's so mixed up with politics that I think it's safe to lump those together into a "Politico-Economic" category. Like "abortion," most of the topics I would want to stay away from at the dinner table seem to tie into these.

I have a feeling that there's probably a lot of cross-over between Japan and the West when it comes to what not to talk about in mixed company. Imagining an off-the-cuff Takayama-san saying「妊娠中絶のことですが。。。」("So, about abortion...") at a party in Japan, or say, his in-laws' house, is just as laughable.

Plus, if you were a Japanese VISITOR in America, I have a feeling you'd be forgiven for asking about American politics, religion, and yes, even various methods of... birth control. As someone who was foreign to the country, people would expect you to be curious about it, and as long as you didn't openly reject the answers you got, I think you might be able to have some educational conversations.

So instead of going too broad and basic about what topics are potentially offensive among Westerners, I'd like to offer up a couple of specifics. The following are things I've noticed that Japanese people talk about that I don't think get tossed around so openly in the West.

POOP
(and other movements of the bowels)

I'm sure this has come up at least once on the site before. Japanese people really don't mind being specific about going to the bathroom. It's just as common to say "うんこしたい: I have to poop"or "おしっこしたい：I have to pee," as it is to say "トイレを借ります：I'm going to use the restroom." I'll allow that a Japanese business women might not say "I'm going to go poop," to co-workers, and that an American man might say "Gonna go take a shit" to his friends. But overall, in America it's not really cool to get specific about what you're planning on doing in the bathroom. In Japan, not a problem.

Case in point: Tell a Japanese co-worker that you're not feeling well, they might ask you directly if you have diarrhea. Or if you're constipated. My reaction to that question is always, "Sorry, what?"

I'd even recommend that Japanese people avoid using the word toilet. Having been here for five years now, when I go back to America, I sometimes catch myself saying "Where's the toilet?" which I forget is actually more vulgar than saying "restroom," "bathroom," or "facilities."

PERIODS

Having never been a woman, in America I found myself left out of period discussions. Not so in Japan. Where periods are considered a much more valid reason for taking the day off of work, I was pretty surprised to find "Oh, my period was pretty bad," a not uncommon answer to "Were you out sick yesterday?" I'm not sure people would balk at this as much as they would the above mentioned bodily-functions, and I don't want to be the guy who consigns periods to the realm of the shameful. That said, practically speaking, you would be labeled as "the lady who talks about her period" pretty quickly, Japanese woman.

RACE/NATIONALITY

If you are not a racist, and you've ever heard a Japanese person say 「外国人は苦手: I don't really care for foreigners,」you were probably shocked. I've been shocked and I've heard it more specifically: 「黒人は苦手: I don't really care for black people」or 「インド人は嫌: I don't like Indian people.」

Part of the problem is with my translation. 苦手 might also mean, "I don't handle foreigners well," due to being shy, or not speaking English, feeling uncomfortable, or whatever personal fault of the speaker. It might not be intended to reflect negatively upon the group in question. It's still something you would never say in a social environment in the West, unless you were comfortable that those around you shared your feelings.

It's come up here a million times before, but in a largely heterogeneous country that sees nothing wrong with using generalities to think about not only other groups, but itself as well, these kinds of statements are more acceptable.

My wife and I were discussing our world trip plans the other day with another couple, and they asked if we had plans to go anywhere in Africa. Morocco and Egypt are on our lists, but beyond that, not really. What my wife said though, was "アフリカが嫌：Nope, Africa's no good."

What she meant was "I don't have enough specific places in Africa that I want to see to make it worth putting up with the heat and what I've heard are dangerous areas." But as I mentioned to her later, writing off an entire continent that way, in a conversation with people you don't know that well... not the best move. In Japan, unless your conversational partner happens to love Africa, you might not make a lot of waves. In America, some people would take that as a racist remark.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION

This is the last one and it probably doesn't belong on this list, because it's not something I hear discussed openly in Japan really. It isn't really talked about in Japan at all unless it's in relation to someone on TV. In recent years, gay and transsexual entertainers have become really popular, but it's extremely telling that it's usually only gay or transexual men who act or appear feminine. お姉 (older sister) is what they're called, and with no public dialogue to contradict them, they've led a large portion of the country to believe that gay = a woman stuck in a man's body (or vice versa). To my knowledge, this is pretty far from accurate.

I haven't heard a whole lot of openly made remarks about sexual orientation, but in private discussions, it's clear that the average Japanese person knows little about homosexuality. "I wish I had a gay friend," is something that I hear from women from time to time, but then I heard that from very young or very naive women in America too. I'm pretty sure that grew out of whatever image of "gay" they were getting from TV as well.

I guess there were two reasons I wanted to include it here. First, I think a straight Japanese person who tried to start a conversation about homosexuality, and expected it to conform to what their perception of homosexuality was, might potentially offend some people. And second, there's no religious-basis for any kind of hatred or condemnation of homosexuality over here. When I'm away, I tend to forget that there are lots of hateful people in America who get really fired up over things that have nothing to do with them. I imagine, depending on the venue, that conversation topic might turn up a handful of those people as well.

So those were the ones I could come up with off the top of my head. Have you guys found yourselves in any conversations that made you think, "This would NOT be cool to be talking about back home?"

When I was teaching English, I worked with a guy who greeted me every day by saying "Oh, Bobby! MY RIVAL!" He was a goofy, funny-looking guy, and a bit anti-social. After numerous attempts to start regular conversations with him, I realized he wasn't comfortable talking to people without putting on some sort of anime-style voice/character. He did it with Japanese co-workers as well, and the "rival" joke was one of his favorites, despite the fact that after the first few meetings, it made everyone feel really awkward. I'd guess it was his way of dealing with low-self esteem by taking his notion that he didn't measure up to some of the PE teachers, the cool crowd, or the foreigner, and turning it into something he could laugh at.

Rival is a popular loan word, pronounced "raibaru; ライバル" in Japanese. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the competitive nature of people in general, about our tendency to measure ourselves against one other. By no means do I intend to imply that any of what I'm going to talk about are phenomenon exclusive to Japan, but in turning over ideas about rivalry in my mind I've found that living here has given me a lot to talk about.

My coworker's idea of rivalry, for one thing. I think about things in a competitive way. I keep track of how badly Ciaela blows me away in the YouTube subscription department, for example. And I figure a lot of my progress in Japanese has been motivated by feelings of competition with my Japanese speaking foreign friends. But I've never actually considered anyone a rival. I can't help but wonder if it's because I didn't play a lot of sports as a kid. Here, where the students dedicate SO much more time to competitive activities with the explicit goal of making it to a national competition, no matter WHAT the activity, and there are a proliferation of competition-based manga and anime, maybe Japanese people are more socially conditioned to think of others as rivals?

When I first registered with the modeling agency in Fukuoka (which I discuss here), at one of the walking classes, the teacher addressed all of the new models and said "Just to be clear, the people around you... these are not your friends. They're your rivals. When you go for an audition, you're competing with them, and you need to know your strengths, as well as their weakness." He went on to add "For example, Bobby's strength is that he's a foreigner, and his weakness is that he's bad at modeling." What he said was entirely true, but at the time, I entertained the thought that he was demonstrating his point by treating me as a rival from the start.

As a consequence of this kind of thinking, in the entertainment industry, your coworkers, at least those who are also your peers, never quite relate to you as friends. When you watch Japanese TV shows, you see the "talento" making fun of each other a lot, and it's mostly good natured. Behind the scenes, everyone acts civil enough, but the rivalry that goes on is actually pretty intense. Even when you're working together on the same show, the people that I work with seem like they want to get as much screen time, as much talking time as possible, even if that means doing what's called "nakama hazure," leaving someone out.

Personally, I find it hard to participate in on-screen banter even without the competition. Trying to keep up with a fast-paced conversation, full of jokes and pop-culture references is hard. There's often a lag before I can catch on and respond, and that window is all the opportunity my co-reporter needs to make his or her joke and bring the camera back to him or herself. On a few rare occasions, I've even had a co-worker compliment me on something funny I said during rehearsal, and then turn around and use it themselves during the live broadcast.

I don't hold anything against them for it. The more they speak on air, the funnier they prove themselves to be, the better it is for their career. And I'm probably the only one on the show that isn't concerned about my long-term career, not to mention everyone else has probably worked harder than me just to get there.

There's another show that I've started work on recently, loosely titled "Ikemen Gakuen" or "Hot Guy School." In it, two famous Japanese comedians teach a class of 12 "cool dudes" random stuff. It's not so much of an education as it is an excuse to make models sumo wrestle each other, and eat all kinds of food (the latter half being the prototype for all Japanese TV).

I know a handful of the other models in the room, and it's surprisingly easy to look around and put the 12 dudes into groups. There are the ones who speak when spoken to, and don't get very much screen time, the ones who don't speak even when spoken to and get less, and then there are the ones who really want to be talento, and they speak CONSTANTLY, which means cutting each other off, and interrupting the "teachers," as well. The last group, of course, is the one that's most likely to get more jobs in the future. You have to be willing to assume the role of the rival to have any kind of success.

But if you know any competitive people, you also know that merely being competitive doesn't make you successful. In fact, a lot of people use a willingness to engage in rivalry as overcompensation. Here I'd like to make an awkward segue into areas of competition between foreigners in Japan.

A long time ago, I remember reading a blog about the 10 types of foreigners you'll meet in Japan. It's pretty mean spirited, but also accurate in places, especially when it comes to the "My Japan" types.

I look at it this way: On a surface level, Japan REALLY likes foreigners. If you're the kind of person who can survive on shallow praise, Japan is the perfect country for buying your own hype. And once you start buying your own hype, it becomes all too easy to start participating in it.

"My Japan" types have forgotten that they're not as special as Japan tells them they are, and because of that, when they meet a foreigner who threatens that belief, you'd be surprised by how blatantly obvious the competitions can get.

(I stopped myself from using the term "alpha-male" just now, and then on reflection realized that I've never come across a woman who was obnoxious about her status as SUPER-Gaijin. Hmmm.)

By far the funniest shut-down of such behavior I've ever heard of was from Ciaela. She was drinking with a group of foreigners at a bar. A westerner that they didn't know approached them and said "Hey. How long have you guys been in Japan?" Then, without really listening to or waiting for an answer, he blurted out "Oh, cool. I've been here for 12 years now. And I'm not an English teacher or a student, like you guys probably are." Whereas I would've quietly tolerated him and hoped he would go away, she said "Oh that's nice. Does your Japanese wife know that you're out tonight?" and shut him the hell up.

The competition that I've noticed seems to go on a lot more among people who've been here longer, but I'm not really sure why. I was at a barbecue a few months ago, and met a guy who'd spent some time in Nagasaki and recently moved in closer to Saga. I'll call him Warren, because I think that was his name.

Warren, American, mid-20s, English teacher. He speaks exceptional Japanese, complete with regional accent, and when I came up to the group of Japanese people he was talking to, he was making fun of a girl there because she spoke with an Australian inflection. Without really addressing him, I told her that she shouldn't feel bad about it, because a lot of Americans find that accent attractive: they 憧れる。I asked him if he'd ever heard anyone say that they thought Australian accents were sexy. He said "Those people are fucking stupid."

I kind of cocked my head and smiled awkwardly, and he jumped back in right away with "Dude, that was just a joke."

So I had already written him off as an alpha male type with a sense of humor VERY different from mine (Does that actually count as a "joke?"), but I had a few more occasions to talk to him during the night. On one, he asked me what I was doing, and I said I was trying to get my cooking blog off the ground, working in restaurants, etc, etc. He said "Oh, you like cooking? I can teach you how to make Fillipino food."

There was this INSTANT elevation of the conversation to "This is what I can do and I can do it better than you." And then, later when someone else was asking me to tell them my blog address, and I was getting ready to hand them my business card, he said "Dude, I swear to God, if you pull out a meishi, I'm gonna slap you."

I can see his point of view a little bit here. A foreigner with a business card can come off as a little bit... pretentious. If that foreigner is an ALT. But if you do any kind of business at all, in any country, especially one that depends on publicity and networking, you need to have a business card. So why such a negative reaction? To me, I had a piece of paper with my blog address on it. Handing it to a person who wanted it was easier than searching for a pen and a different piece of paper and writing it out. There was nothing strange or out of place about it. But to him, I looked like one of those "MY JAPAN" guys making a move, and he wanted to discredit it, lest I usurp him.

These kinds of interactions happen a lot, and they boil down to the same phenomenon as the TV shows: other people are your rivals for attention. He wanted all the talk time.

On TV, I get by because I don't have to be as pro-active in seeking out chances as my co-workers. As the modeling teacher pointed out, that's my strength: just being a foreigner means I stand out. They want me to talk more, so they'll meet me halfway.

In the personal sphere, I've learned to ask people a lot of questions about themselves. I think I picked that up from my wife. It's something I've always admired about her. She's lived in foreign countries, traveled all around the world, and yet, when we're talking to some backpacker who just toured SE Asia, she doesn't go: "Oh, I've been there too, weren't the fried bananas great. I also went to THIS island, did you go there? You should," like most people do. She just asks questions. And most of the time EVERYONE has a better conversation for it.

I'm not as good at it as she is, but I definitely don't feel the need to dominate the floor. Believe it or not, as much as I plaster myself all over the internet, I'm not really a spotlight seeker at social scenes and I'd rather laugh at someone else's jokes than talk about myself at length.

Which is one of the reasons I gather a lot of Japanese "friends" who, when it comes down to it, I don't think we actually like each other. I don't like them because I know that they want to be my friend for all the same surface reasons that Japan likes foreigners, which I find dehumanizing and immature. So I smile and answer their questions politely, and am friendly when we meet in town (which happens a lot when you work service industry in a small city). But I find reasons to decline invitations to their parties, or to go out with them and their friends, because I don't want anything deeper than that.

I think that most of them probably don't like me because they've figured out that I don't want to be friends with them. But then there are people who clearly haven't figured that out, and I think that they also secretly don't like me. I get the sense that they really like having a foreign acquaintance because it confers "status" on them. But at the same time, they're jealous. This is a pretty arrogant claim to make, I know, but think about it. We're popular for no reason. They don't know that it can be really frustrating here. They know we get to drink free a lot, and members of the opposite sex who are out of our league will talk to us, and everyone wants to know all about who we are and where we come from. I've faced jealousy at every place I've ever worked in Japan, especially at schools. To outward appearances, the ALT is, in many cases, the most popular staff member while being the least qualified, and working the fewest hours. If I was a regular teacher, that would piss me off.

And I think that same jealousy creates a sense of personal rivalry with those casual friends as well. At one of the restaurants where I work, there are a handful of customers who would call me their friend, who also make it a point to make passive aggressive digs about how I'm getting fat, or how my skin is bad, or how my pronunciation sucks. Emphasize or go out of their way to point out what I don't know. Friends don't do that. People who want to bring you down do. Rivals do.

And for me, the longer I'm here, the less interested I am in being anyone's rival.

I'm really curious to know if you other foreigners in Japan have had similar experiences in the fields you're in, either at school, at your job, or in your personal life. Do you find yourself in competition with others? How do you deal with it? What do you think causes it?

And, about the last bit: In my opinion, Asians in general are more likely to make comments about weight or appearance directly to your face than Westerners. Do you think it's actually more acceptable? Would an Asian person not find the same sort of comment insulting or take it negatively?

Love in the Time of Cholera is one of my all-time favorite books. I've read the English language translation four times.

My wife has never read the Japanese copy I bought for her a few years back. So I'm gonna.

I don't really know why I'm blogging this. Maybe because it'll be harder to back out. Wish me luck.

Author's note:
The first part of this post is geared towards Japanese Language students. If you're interested in the disaster related content, skip down past the vocab lists.

I've mentioned this before, but if you watch Japanese TV,
you'll hear the same handful of words OVER and OVER and OVER again.

They boil down to three basic categories: "Delicious," "Beautiful/Cute," and "Feels Good!"

Which means that even a beginning Japanese student should be able to survive a Japanese TV appearance with the following five phrases:

"美味しい！"
（おいしい）

"甘い！"
（うまい）

"きれい！"

"可愛い！"
（かわいい）

"気持ちいい！"
（きもちいい）
Of course, I get a lot of mileage out of those five. But since I've started working in TV, I've found myself using some other words A LOT more than I used to. I'd like to introduce you to those today.

癒される
いやされる
to be cured, healed

Used in relaxing situations. Connotations of peacefulness and quietness that magically clear away your stress. Good for nature and for onsen, and massages!

落ち着く
おちつく
to calm down; to harmonize

Also good for relaxing. Great for quiet restaurants with traditional Japanese decor. Think relaxing on the tatami and drinking tea.

圧倒される
あっとうされる
to be overwhelmed; over powered

Great for fantastic vistas, stunning scenery. Imagine a lookout point with a 360 degree view, beautiful in all directions. Or being confronted with like, an ENORMOUS tree that's been alive for thousands of years.

神秘的
しんぴてき
mysterious

While I NEVER use the word mysterious in English, it gets used a lot in Japanese. The Easter Island statues are "shinpiteki." So are jellyfish. It's a great word to pull out for travel segments that involve shrines, natural wonders, or "power-spots." Or jellyfish museums.

風景
ふうけい
the scenery

My English-language brain thinks that scenery always has to be outside, like a landscape, but 風景 can just be what's in your visual field. Interior decor can sometimes be described with 風景. The point is that it's what you're looking at, purposefully.

景色
けしき
the scenery

THIS one is for the landscape :)

絶景
ぜっけい
a superb view

A simple one word phrase that you can use to combine 風景 with 圧倒される。 Scenery that overwhelms you with how splendid it is. The kanji 絶, used in other compounds like 絶品 (a unique or superb item) or 絶妙 (exquisite, miraculous) has a touch of the high class to it.

風情
ふぜい
the flavor; the air

Encompassing hospitality and atmosphere, it's the intangible feeling of a place. You don't have to add more descriptive language to this word. Think of it like "This place has character."

雰囲気
ふんいき　（pronounced ふいんき）
the atmosphere

Again, the general feeling/mood of a place. This one is better used with descriptive words, and can be used to talk about places and people. Check this archived Nirav post for more detail.

豪華（な）
ごうか（な）
wonderful; gorgeous; extravagant

Useful when faced with a lavish spread of food, or anything that was clearly expensive.

贅沢（な）
ぜいたく（な）
luxurious; extravagant

Again, luxury is usually determined by the money. A hamburger is おいしい. A hamburger made with Kobe beef is 贅沢。How the Earthquake Affected Language on TV:
A handful of these words actually became NG (no good) to use on television recently.
In the aftermath of the Touhoku Earthquake/Tsunami, most Japanese regular TV programming was canceled or preempted.

For live entertainment based shows, like the one I work for, this meant going off of the air for a while. I had about 7 days of scheduled work that, due to the crisis, became inappropriate to air.

And when the regular TV shows did resume, it was with a more somber tone. My first day back at work, I had to present a segment about going to an aquarium, watching a dolphin show, visiting a petting zoo, and eating whale sashimi. All while Disaster Relief information and aftershock updates ticked across the bottom of the screen. You can imagine the delicate nature of trying to figure out what kind of mood you want to communicate to the viewers.

Because of that, in editing all of the footage we had shot, the directors chose to excise any instances of words like "extravagant," "luxurious," "fun," and even "delicious." Whole sections were cut out of a trip to Kumamoto segment, like a scene in which a local fish market presented us with a 5 pound brick of fresh sushi-grade maguro.

Even words like 癒される (to be healed), and 落ち着く(to relax) had to be called into question. We were being "healed" by relaxing in onsens. What right did we have to even talk about "healing" when those affected by the disasters were in real emotional and physical pain.?

The nature of these kinds of shows in general is problematic in a situation like this. The basic format is "We're going to show you someone enjoying something." When faced with a disaster, it suddenly became inconsiderate to do that. We were living it up, wasting money, and going on and on about how great it was.

Personally, I don't enjoy watching Japanese gourmet or travel shows, even in the best of times. Every reaction just seems over the top, and as a "reporter" having to rant and rave about how good the theme park curry is has only reinforced that opinion. So I was impressed by the recognition for the need for restraint and respect.

At the same time, I draw mental parallels between the director who says "We can't show people having fun" and the governor who says "It's inappropriate to hold a flower viewing party."

True, a private flower-viewing party with friends and family in a park isn't quite on the same scale as broadcasting a TV show next to disaster-related news. But for me, hanami and Japanese TV are both manifestations of the culture, and both hold a place in Japanese life. And there comes a time where you have to go back to normal life.

It's neither my intention nor my place to say "We've spent enough time on this disaster, let's move on." I actually would have preferred a longer moratorium on television shenanigans. It's REALLY uncomfortable trying to sell a fun little video clip of yourself rowing a boat and feeding ducks, when the news at the top of the hour is about evacuees.

I talk about TV's place in Japanese life because of the emails, faxes, and letters that the TV station receives.

Many of them say "Thank you." Just like the people who refused to abstain from hanami, the people who watch the show seem to feel that it's important to be able to have fun again. The messages are full of phrases like "元気を貰える”　(we can get our positive energy back) or "笑顔が戻る" (to be able to smile/laugh again). They say they think it's important to be able watch someone "enjoying" things, because it lets them imagine themselves feeling the same way. They say it's what people need in a time like this.

I can see what they mean.

I also understand the opposing argument, that TV is used more to distract than to galvanize. But our show is still working to help support the survivors. The anchors have filmed a commercial that tells people what they can do to contribute. Miranba-kun, our mascot, makes public appearances and brings a donation box.

In any case, as of last week, "delicious" and "fun" are back on the table. On TV at least, it seems like everything's back to normal.

Question I got from JetDaisuke. What's the deal with Western movies and TV confusing Asian cultures?

Your comments really helped me with the answer to this one, so please, check it out:

I really like テレビドラマ。

I've spent way too much of my life watching shows like The Shield, The Sopranos, The Wire, Deadwood, Justified, Boardwalk Empire, and Dexter.

You might notice a common thread: they're all about cops and criminals.



Recently, I've been rewatching Dexter because my wife has gotten into it. I'm currently caught all the way up through season 5. Yuri's just finished season 3. Yuri's conversational English is great, but there's an awful lot of Dexter that has to be explained. I'm sure it would be the same if I was watching this kind of show in Japanese: most people just don't come across vocab related to homicide investigations and crime during their day-to-day.

So today, I'll share with you a helpful list of vocabulary to help get you through a crime drama, a detective novel, and the occasional story on the nightly news. In making the list, I was surprised at how many of these words I can actually remember not being able to come up with in conversation... I'll mark those ones with * so you can wonder why the hell I'd need to know those words so badly.

Here we go:

Criminal
犯人　（はんにん）；犯罪者（はんざいしゃ）
An incident of murder
殺人事件（さつじんじけん）


A crime scene 　　　　
（事件の）現場　（（じけんの）げんば）
Murderer 　　　　　　　
殺人　（さつじん）
Serial Killer 　　　　　　
連続殺人犯　（れんぞくさつじんはん）
Serial Killings
連続殺人　（れんぞくさつじん）
*Victim
被害者　（ひがいしゃ） *Evidence/Proof 　
証拠　（しょうこ）
Witness 　　　　　　　　
目撃者　（もくげきしゃ）
Motive 　　　　　　　　　
動機　（どうき）
Alibi 　　　　　　　　
アリバイ
Informant 　　
通報者　（つうほうしゃ）
A rat 　　
密告者　（みっこくしゃ）
Investigate 　
取り調べる　（とりしらべる）
*Interrogate/Cross-Examine 　　　
尋問する　（じんもんする）
****Torture 　　
拷問　　（ごうもん）
To torture someone
人を拷問にかける　（ひとをごうもんにかける）


*Trial 　　　　
裁判　　（さいばん）
Prosecutor 　　　　　
検察官；検事　　（けんさつかん；けんじ）
Defense (Attorney) 　
被告側(弁護士)　（ひこくがわ（べんごし））
Jury
陪審　　　（ばいしん）
**Guilty Verdict
有罪判決　　　（ゆうざいはんけつ）
Innocent 　
無罪；潔白　　（むざい；けっぱく）
Illegal Drugs 　　　　　　　　
禁止薬物；麻薬　　（きんしやくぶつ；まやく）
Stimulants
覚せい剤　（かくせいざい）

Mentioned at the end of the last post that I got a new part time job...

It lasted all of three days. That is THE definition of 三日坊主.



The place is a motsu-nabe restaurant, which means it specializes in serving intestines that customers cook themselves in a hot pot on the table. While their ad specified that they were hiring kitchen staff, apparently there's a lot of cross-over between kitchen and hall, and it takes less time to learn the table-waiting protocol than the kitchen duties. So my first few days were all serving. And it's the most Japanese-style restaurant you could imagine.

First, the Japanese language required is super polite: ALL 敬語、ALL THE TIME.

Every place I've worked until now, I've heard the other staff using what's called コンビニ敬語, convenience store polite Japanese. It's a lesser version, an incorrect version of Japanese politeness, the most famous example being: 〜になります。

Many times you'll hear waiters say this when they hand you your meal, let's say... yakisoba: 「 焼きそばになります； This becomes yakisoba.」

This is obviously wrong. Why will this become yakisoba? It already IS yakisoba, isn't it? Will Jasper, of now defunct NihongoJouzu fame said in a speech once that he liked to reply to this with a joke, asking: いつ？ At exactly WHAT point will this become yakisoba? Brett and I liked to hold off on our joke. On the off chance that we had any uneaten remains on our plate, when we handed it back to be cleared, we'd say 「ゴミになります；This will become garbage.」

Hahaha.

Long story short, this is the first place I've worked where コンビニ敬語 was expressly forbidden. NEVER say 〜になります。ALWAYS say 〜でございます。The polite way to say "This IS yakisoba."

That in itself would've been NO problem. I was already in that habit from my previous job, where, even if other waiters were screwing it up, I liked to feel superior by always using the correct form. No, here was one of the problems.

The entire procedure for delivering the yakisoba:

1. Wait for the cook to bring out yakisoba and say "Here's the yakisoba for table 1."
2. Scream "はい！” in the genkiest voice you possibly can.
3. Pick up the yakisoba.
4. Scream "I'm taking the yakisoba to table 1," or literally "１番様に伺いいたします：I'm going to humbly inquire after the honorable table 1."
5. Take off your shoes.
6. Go to table 1.
7. Kneel outside the door.
8. Set the tray down on the floor.
9. Knock on the door.
10. Yell "I'm going to be rude and enter" (失礼いたします), but not in so loud a voice as to be disturbing to the customer.
11. Open the door.
12. Pick up the tray.
13. Enter the room.
14. Kneel inside the room.
15. Set down the tray.
16. Apologize for the delay and tell them you brought the yakisoba:「大変お待たせいたしました。焼きそばをお持ちいたしました。」
17. Take the yakisoba off the tray and place it on the table.
18. Explain how to eat the yakisoba to the customer.
19. Pick up the tray.
20. Say 「失礼いたしました、」 "I was rude to disturb you."
21. Leave the room.
22. Bow.
23. Close the door.
24. Head back to the kitchen.
25. Put on your shoes.For me, the worst part of the whole ordeal (besides the fact that repeating it over a hundred times a night left my knees and back sore as hell) was number 17. EVERYONE knows how to eat.

Sure if you were delivering something rare, or novel to the table, the customers might want an explanation of how to eat it. But the staff at this restaurant is OBLIGATED to say, upon delivering gyoza (pot stickers), 「餃子をタレに付けて、お召し上がり下さい。」　"Please dip the gyoza in sauce and then eat it, honorably."

Half of the customers shrug this off. The other half look at you like, "Did you SERIOUSLY just tell me how to eat gyoza? I fucking know. Leave me alone."

Yelling and bowing and irrelevance aside, the whole experience was an exercise in arbitrariness.

I learned the word 補充 （ほじゅう；replenishment）which we had to do EVERY NIGHT for everything. If a customer had taken ONE spoon out of the jar of sesame seeds, that one spoon had to be replenished, even if there were still a full 3 cups of sesame seeds left in the jar.

When customers left a table, every item on the table had to be wiped with a rag. A specific rag. Blue for the gas stove on the table. Pink for the gyoza sauce bottle and sesame seed jar, as well as each one of the 6 separate menus. Yellow for the 座布団　（ざぶとん；seat cushions) and floor.

I also learned that some Japanese people don't realize that the word バッシング（busing, as in tables) comes from English. And at this restaurant, バッシング a table takes 20 minutes.

The procedure lists for doing things like greeting customers, taking and checking in reservations, and eating your own dinner after you clocked out were equally long and equally formal.

There were scripts for everything. Like how to tell a customer to take off their shoes, or to put on slippers before they went into the bathroom, WHICH bathroom to go into before you let them, even though the doors are clearly marked. In fact, if you see a customer who looks like they're headed to the bathroom, you have to ask them to confirm, and then go with them to the door.

On top of all of the annoying stuff like that, there were a handful of other deal-breakers.

1. Two of the three days I worked, were 9 hour shifts with only one 5 minute break.
2. It was only 700 yen an hour.
3. I was the only バイト who wasn't a young student. It was kind of embarrassing being 27 and still having to do that bullshit, especially since EVERY table I waited on asked me if I was a student, and I had to say "No."
4. It didn't look like I was gonna get to learn anything about the kitchen.

So, that's that. Back to the job search.

Answer: I dunno.

A handful of people have been asking me, both on YouTube and on the Yoji, about how I got into the TV and publicity work I'm doing now.

I'm happy to tell you all about it, but please, keep in mind a few things:

I'm not famous, nor likely to get famous. The TV station I'm working with is Saga TV. I do short segments about either restaurants, food, or things that they'd like a foreigner's or English speaker's perspective on (stories about Japanese cultural events, foreigners/foreign events, or stories about English education in Japan). They broadcast an evening 番組 that can be seen in Saga Prefecture and in some places in Fukuoka, and I go on to present those segments and talk about them live. So basically, it's the equivalent of being a reporter on the local news, without the journalistic bit. At the most, I do work for them two times a week. At the least, two times a month.

Also, if I wasn't a foreigner I wouldn't be doing the job. I don't have the personality or the talent to pull it off without some kind of a hook.

So I have three hooks:

1: I have a foreign face.
2: I'm a young male who cooks well, which is not THAT rare, but rare enough to count for something.
3: I speak not only Japanese, but the regional dialect with a high level of proficiency.

Of these three, I'd say that the last one is the most important. No matter how interesting they are, you don't see foreigners really "make it" as public figures in Japan unless they speak Japanese well. And the benefits of speaking a local dialect go beyond just the local area. It helps you stand out among everyone else.

Why Try to Make It Big in Japan?

I think every young foreigner who comes over to Japan has heard the rumors about how much love you'll get just for being a foreigner. Before I came, I heard about restaurants that would offer free meals to blondes, and seat them by the windows just to draw the attention of Japanese passersby. Never heard that that's actually happened though.

I'll go a little bit further and say that I think most young foreigners who come to Japan entertain, even if only in the innermost recesses of their heart, fantasies of achieving celebrity here. It definitely crossed my mind, and from some of the messages and comments I get, I know there's no shortage of people who expect to arrive and LIVE those fantasies.

Once I got here, those fantasies disappeared, and I fell into working, living, and studying the language. It wasn't until I was on the ground here for over two and a half years that I started to develop a sense of what I wanted to do and, more importantly, what I could realistically expect to be able to do.

What I decided was this:

I want to open my own restaurant in Japan and have a cookbook published here.

To those ends, I started to strategize. Just compiling all of my recipes and documenting them takes a lot of work, and once it's done, submitting them to a publishing company would more than likely elicit a reaction of "And who the fuck are you?" So the original plan was to keep working my regular jobs (teaching and waiting tables) and save money, while taking small steps towards getting myself and my cooking "known."

I thought that if I could somehow draw attention to myself and have proof of my abilities, that would be easiest. Sending query letters to cooking magazines and things like that fall flat if you don't have a portfolio.

How I Actually Went About It:

I started posting cooking, gourmet, and Japanese language videos on YouTube, and when I documented a recipe, I'd put it on my blog.

This is my earliest attempt at a video (of the ones I haven't erased):



I'm kind of embarrassed watching it now.

This is my earliest Japanese recipe post, from way back before I moved to Ameblo.

I hope there's been progress on a Japanese level, but there have definitely been changes.

Once I had established a little bit of a following, I started applying to modeling and talent agencies. I was hoping that they'd be able to help introduce me to magazines that would want recipes, or cooking shows that would want guests.

My first attempt, at a Tokyo agency called BESIDE, with a branch in Fukuoka, did not go well at all. I applied online with a couple of facebook pictures, and got an appointment. I brought my whole cooking portfolio, and that was all I wanted to talk about. They had me audition for runway walking.

I did not receive a call back.

But I learned a lot from it. They DID have the connections I wanted, but they weren't interested in helping me (see "An Aside About Modeling Agencies" below).

About this time, I was lucky to come across an audition notice for foreign extras for a commercial. I applied and along with 16 other people or so, got the job. Filming took 2 days, we were put up in hotels, and we ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner with the crew. At every chance, I tried to talk to all of the Japanese staff members, and got a whole lot of business cards. One of the project managers and I became VERY good friends and we still hang out together all the time. Another one of the project managers knew someone who managed a modeling agency and introduced me.

When I went to talk to the agency this time, I brought no food pictures, and didn't even mention cooking, except as a hobby. They signed me up right away.

An Aside About Modeling Agencies:

One of the most common misconceptions I've come across is that if you're foreign, it's easy to make a career as a model in Japan, no matter what you look like.

That's just not true.

If someone tells you they model professionally in Japan, it'd be rude to ask them how often they work, or how much money they've actually made modeling, but in most cases, they're probably just registered with an agency.

Because what is true, is that it's easy to register, especially since there are usually modeling agencies in big cities that cater exclusively to foreigners. Sometimes they're Japanese run, sometimes foreign run, but my overall take is that modeling agencies in general are scams.

They make more money off of the models that they represent, than in bringing in outside work.

A modeling agency will ask you to pay for headshots, and to have a composite printed that they can use to advertise you. Most of them also function as modeling schools, and they offer lessons, which they'll recommend you take, and usually charge for.

A good rule of thumb is that if a modeling or talent agency GENUINELY believes that they can get you work, and that you can be a profitable model, they won't charge you for those classes. They might not charge you for the headshots either, but even if they do, they won't take cash from you. If they think they can get you work, they'll just recoup it out of the modeling fees you'll eventually earn.

Foreign modeling agencies are worse than regular modeling agencies. They WILL sign you up now matter what you look like. They WILL take your cash. And then you're registered with a ton of other people just like you, and when a company comes looking for a foreign model (which doesn't happen all that much) your picture is lumped in with a whole agency full of people that are essentially your competition.

Both foreign agencies and Japanese agencies have the same downside in that they don't really care how much money the individual model is making. They have their "stars" and they have their hopefuls, who will never make anything but keep paying for lessons. And then if the other models that they have working for them each make a little bit of money a month, they get to add up EVERYONE'S totals, and take 30% or so from each. Yes, if I make more money, they make more money, but they deal in so much volume, that when I first started they had no real motivation to sell me.

It was just like, they had a male foreign model on their list, and if someone happened to be looking, they'd go, "Oh, yeah, we've got this guy. Check him out." But they weren't pounding the pavement with my headshots.

So the first 4 months I was there, I did a handful of jobs: fashion shows, bridal advertisements, and a coffee maker commercial. After I had established the fact that I could DO what work they could find me, I started pushing them a little bit.

Making Connections:

I talked to them about my YouTube channel, and had them link my blog on their website, and suggested approaching magazines about doing a cooking project. One of the magazines went for it, and I got a cooking column.

The cooking column in the magazine ran with my blog address at the bottom, and the information that I lived in Saga. Some TV people in Saga saw the magazine, followed it to the blog, and sent me an email.

From there, we set up a meeting and talked about what we could do. They liked me, but again, more importantly, they liked my Japanese. Being a foreigner and cooking were enough to get me on one time to guest host a cooking segment. But they made it clear that if I proved that I could handle the language on TV, that they had more ideas in mind for me.

The relationship has grown from there to the point where I don't have to rely on teaching to pay my bills anymore, and since I no longer need it for a visa either, I said my goodbyes.

To get to where I am right now, it's taken me about a year and four months of pro-actively working on it.

This year, I'm still hoping to branch out, so I'm pushing the agency again to start showing some of my clips to TV channels in Fukuoka.

The overall plan remains the same though. Rather than shooting for big fame, I'm just trying to put together money and connections as quickly as possible and if I can make a living by cooking, I'll be happy.

The General Plan for the Future:

The more my Japanese blog grows, the closer I get (I think) to the possibility of a book. But the market for cookbooks these days is so over-saturated that you need some kind of theme or gimmick. One potential gimmick I'm exploring on the blog is "国際結婚キッチン" as that seems most likely to resonate.

Another possible one involves traveling around the world. My wife and I are putting together our money and planning to take off early 2012. I'm hoping to continue YouTube-ing and blogging food and recipes in Japanese during the trip.

When we get back, the idea is to spend some time trying to focus my efforts on the cookbook, and getting it sold.

I'll keep posting about what I'm learning and what new opportunities come my way.

As of tomorrow, I'm starting a new part-time job cooking at a local restaurant, so hopefully that will yield some good experience.

If you have any other questions, please leave them in the comments!

I started a new video series, talking entirely in Japanese, while drinking, answering Japanese viewers' questions about foreign countries and foreigners.

I've been thinking about it for a while, but finally got up the courage to do it.

I've been doing cooking videos and other videos in Japanese for a long time, so why should this require courage?

Any time I've ever made a video talking about any cultural aspects of Japan or America

(even this video that I made about BREAD)


it tends to garner more attention than a cooking class video. Sometimes they get linked on Japanese blogs, or featured on Japanese YouTube pages which is FANTASTIC for the view count and the revenue.

But it also brings the assholes out in force. Check this comment from the bread video.


日本食に対するベジタリアンの思い込みは、なんとかならんのか。

昔から、日本人はベジタリアンじゃないから（呆）

The person didn't bother to watch any other videos and realize I wasn't a vegetarian, nor think it would be strange to wonder why vegetarianism should have any bearing on bread, nor consider the fact that bread isn't 日本食。Just assholism.

And they'll be pretty ruthless about my Japanese abilities too.
Watching the first new video I just put up, I've got three or four things that I wish I had said better, or mistakes that I notice.
At one point I pronounce 結ってる　（yutteru) as 酔ってる　（yotteru). WHOOPS.
I can never get them to come out perfect though, so...

Anyway, deep breath in. HOLD. And begin.

One of the best tools for getting by in conversation in a foreign language is knowing how to ask about opposites.
When you don't know the word, for say "dark," but you remember 明るい is "bright," you can not only improve your vocab, but keep the conversation going with just a quick pause to ask 「あれ、明るいの反対は何だったっけ。」
A problem that I've come across in Japan though, is that my conversational partner isn't always the best at helping me find the right word.
I suspect this is because the Japanese language doesn't put as much emphasis on identifying concrete opposites as English does. I seem to remember doing opposites worksheets in school, and playing opposite association word games with my brother when we were little.
But if you've lived in Japan for a long time and tried the "opposite" approach, I guarantee you have had a similar exchange:
Japanese person: あの子、酔っぱらっている？ Is that girl drunk?
Me: いや、いつもそんな感じ。あれ、ちょっと待って。。。 No, she's alway like that, even when she's totally... uh .... Wait. 「酔っぱらっている」という言葉の反対って何？ What's the opposite of drunk?
Japanese person: 酔っぱらっていない。Not drunk.
And they're not joking.
I've also had more than one conversation where people have told me that the opposite of homosexual is "not gay" or even 普通 ( ふつう；normal) which is all kinds of problematic in terms of labeling.
So I don't know how often it'll happen, but anytime I come across a HARD-WON new opposite set, I'll try to share it with you.
The two we've covered so far are:
酔っぱらっている よっぱらっているdrunk
vs
素面しらふ；すめん soberand
同性愛者 どうせいあいしゃthe technical term for homosexual
vs
異性愛者いせいあいしゃheterosexual
And the one that I came across recently that sparked this post is:
喉が渇いたのどがかわいた thirsty

vs

喉が潤う
のどがうるおう
to be quenched

Have you had any of these experiences you could tell us about?

ラーメン。

It's big in Kyuushuu. Well, to be more precise, it's big all over Japan.

But here in Kyuushuu, especially so close to Fukuoka, Hakata-style ramen is practically daily bread.




What sets it apart is the 豚骨 (とんこつ；pork bone) broth, milky and well known for its OVERPOWERING and often unpleasant aroma while cooking, but delicious taste .

You might remember we mentioned it when we talked about 九州男児: For the 九州 MAN,
ramen that ain't tonkotsu isn't considered ramen.

In any case, I was invited along on カチカチワイド'sのグルメ巡り（ぐるめめぐり；gourmet tour) segment.　It's called 「花金グルメ」and it's the segment that I appear on most often.

グルメ巡り will be familiar to anyone who has ever turned on a TV in Japan. It's the equivalent of western food shows (Anthony Bourdain springs to mind), where entertainers or reporters visit interesting or unique restaurants and introduce the food. A common western remark about the Japanese shows though, is that you'll hardly EVER see anyone eat something they don't absolutely LOVE, and the squeals of 「おいしい！おいしい！」are kind of over the top.

Despite the overwhelming impression that all it takes to make one of those clips is someone to shout 「うまいこれ、」it's actually very hard to talk in detail about food. So I've taken to finding out what kind of restaurant we'll be going to and spending a couple of evenings beforehand researching descriptive words that I might be able to use.

It's a huge help that the woman I co-host with most often, Young He, is really good at it.



I'll take a bite of the featured food, and get out two or three sentences, trying to highlight various aspects of its taste or texture, and then she will expound on its merits at length. No exaggeration, she'll go as long as 8 minutes, talking about why and how it's so delicious. I hide a notebook under the table and as soon as the cameras stop rolling, I try to write down as much of what she said as I can remember. Of course, of that 8 minute speech she made, only 10-20 seconds will get used, but the editors get to choose the best parts to use. When it comes time to edit me, they have much less of a selection.

So I keep studying.

For the most recent segment (click to see the segment in pictures), we went to an area called 三瀬　(みつせ；Mitsuse) in Saga, famous for being a そば街道 (かいどう；Soba highway), but in recent years it's started to develop a reputation for churning out some good ramen as well.

Research was easy because the magazine I write for, 福岡Walker, recently did an all Ramen issue. I just pulled that out and started making a list.

So, if you are ever in a situation where you need to talk about how your ramen tastes, order your noodles cooked to your liking, or just talk about ramen on TV, here's what you need to know.
Where applicable, I've organized things into scales:

First, let's get into 麺　（めん；noodles）:



The two most important scales for noodles are those for their thickness, and their hardness:

Thickness, from fat and thick to thin and fine:
　太い　＜ーーーーーー＞　細い
　ふとい　　　　　　　　　ほそい

Hardness, from hard to soft:
かため　＜ーーーーーー＞　やわめ


To expand on hardness, everyone has their personal preference, but for the most part, I think al dente is the way to go for ramen.

Noodles are referred to as 粉もの (こなもの）meaning they're made from powder, like flour. All 粉もの have the unfortunate tendency to get soggy the longer you let them sit after cooking, especially when you let them sit in hot water. To talk about this getting soggy in Japanese, you can use the word 延びる（のびる; to stretch out; lengthen).　延びる is great to talk about any kind of noodles, but on another グルメ巡り outing, I recently learned that the pros also use it to talk about たこやき！

You don't want soggy noodles. The textures you're looking for are

シコシコ：al dente, kind of chewy, with a little bit of a snap. In this instance, picture the moment when your teeth break through the noodles, and there's like a tiny recoil.

Yuri cautioned me against overusing this particular 擬態語　（ぎたいご；mimetic word) on TV, because it's a homonym for the sound produced by, well, jerking it. Like a Japanese "fap."

モチモチ
or
モッチリ: also springy in texture, but (easy to remember) more springy like もち. It's got some give to it when you bite it, but doesn't have the same sharp SNAP of シコシコ。I suspect it of being moister.

You can also use the phrase 腰がある (こしがある), and yes, that is the kanji for "hips." It can refer to the "body" of things like hair, noodles, and according to Rikai-chan, paper. 麺 that have 腰 are going to be "resilient." Hand in hand with either シコシコ or モチモチ、they'll bounce back, to different degrees, depending on how much 腰 they have. A little 腰 can be a good thing. Too much, and maybe they're undercooked.

Here's an example of how I put some of this together when I got to eat some thicker noodles.

いや、何か、麺が太くて、もっと腰があるかと思ったら、モッチリだった！

Briefly, you might also want to touch on whether the noodles are more 丸い (まるい；round)　or 平ら（たいら；flat) and definitely mention it if they're 滑らか（なめらか; smooth).

Also good to know is that the verb for slurping up noodles is 啜る（すする), and there's a 擬態語for talking about the pleasant sensation of noodles that slurp easily: するすると入る

Since the possible combinations of 具 (ぐ；solid ingredients) are endless, let's finish off with
スープ:



The major scales for ramen broth are:

あっさり　＜ーーーーーー＞　こってり
simple; light rich; strong

and

さっぱり　＜ーーーーーー＞　濃厚（な）
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 のうこうな
simple, or crisp dense; thick
These two scales are very similar, but I think it's safe to say that あっさり and こってり are more for describing flavors, while さっぱり and 濃厚 are more for tactile sensations.

Not entirely sure, but from bartending, I know that あっさり and さっぱり are both words that get used to describe things like ginger ale, lime, and Corona; the key words there are CRISP and REFRESHING.

A soy sauce ramen broth would be thinner and watery, and I think more likely to be called さっぱり。A tonkotsu broth is milky and creamy, so it gets 濃厚。The level of HOW こってり ramen is, that's a matter of flavor, so it can be adjusted by how concentrated the broth is. Some restaurants will even ask you how strong you want it.

When the soup is REALLY creamy, ramen broth can be described with とろみ、which means thick like a sauce, or like the yolk of a sunnyside-up egg. Not quite sure how to define grades of とろみ、but they used it to talk about my eggnog. I think creamy to the point of being gooey, like あんかけ is too far to take the word.

As for flavor, there's my favorite: まろやか, which gets defined as "mild." But don't think of it as bland. Think of it as smooth, where all the flavors come together in a very well-rounded way. I think it's possible for something to be 濃厚, rich, and まろやか, mild, at the same time. Please tell me if I'm wrong!

Other important points to touch on for ramen, ESPECIALLY tonkotsu ramen are 臭み(くさみ；odor)、and あと味(あとあじ；after-taste)。

Pork bones and the meat that they use to make the broth... they don't usually smell good. And when the broth isn't prepared well, some of that stink carries over. It's hard to find a review of Tonkotsu ramen that doesn't go out of its way to use the phrase 「臭みがない。」

After-taste is also big because the problem with a rich, creamy, milky broth is that people can't eat large portions of RICH foods. The first few bites are delicious, but if it's too rich, you get tired of it, which is 飽きがくる in Japanese.

It's important for any ramen, even rich ramen, to have a refreshing after-taste to prevent this problem. This time, the word we want to use for refreshing is すっきりする。

Here's another quick まとめ、drawn from my research, with a few extra additions:

濃厚さとあと味の良さが見事に両立しているから、飽きがこない！これなら、量が入る！

There's actually more, but this has gone on long enough!

I'm going to make a follow-up post, talking about how the actual broadcast went, some new phrases that got thrown in, and how even though I did all this freaking research, in the end, I ate soba and Chanpon while Young He ate the ramen!

Don't worry, a lot of the vocab crosses over well, so I was safe!

And as per your requests, I promise that in the near future I'll post about exactly how a person gets into this in the first place, and what you're expected to be able to do if you wanna keep it up.

For the last couple of months I've been working for a TV show called 「かちかちワイド.」

Last night was their 大みそか broadcast. Despite this being my fourth New Year's in Japan, I'd managed to miss the word 大みそか until this year.

I knew
元日（がんじつ；New Year's Day), and
お正月　（おしょうがつ；The New Year period that includes the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd),and I was even okay with

年末年始　（ねんまつねんし；the end of the old year/beginning of the new one)but I guess I didn't watch enough TV to catch 大みそか、which is the Japanese term for New Year's Eve.

Pretty much EVERY TV channel has a big special New Year's Eve broadcast. Most of the country tunes in for NHK's 紅白歌合戦、the singing contest that pits men (white) against women (red). The men won this year, BTW.

On カチカチワイド, we looked back at some of the program's more enjoyable moments from the past year, talked about New Year's traditions in other countries, and then ate some Osechi Ryouri.

One of the other reporters is 在日韓国人　(ざいにちかんこくじん；Korean person living in Japan) and she introduced a dish called ムッ: a kind of tofu made from soba that they traditionally eat to celebrate the New Year.



(묵 is the Korean word for it.)

I'd had some concerns in talking to the director about what we we're going to do for my segment,
because there are no American New Year's traditions that are really comparable to the Japanese.

In my opinion, the closest Americans come to an お正月 experience is Thanksgiving, for a couple of reasons.
Both Thanksgiving and お正月 are occasions that warrant 里帰り (さとがえり；a return to your hometown).Both involve 伝統的な料理 (でんとうてきなりょうり；traditional food) that you share with your family.For families who go to church on Christmas, that one might be an even closer match for you, because it's tradition in Japan to visit a temple on New Year's Eve for 除夜の鐘 (じょやのかね；ringing in the new year with 108 peals of the temple bell) and to visit three shrines (三社参り；さんしゃまいり）during the お正月 period.

But when it comes to American New Year's traditions, I couldn't think of anything besides the Rose Bowl Parade that didn't involve New Year's Eve.

I talked to the director about watching the ball drop, the カウントダウンパーティー (countdown party), complete with シャンパン and カウントダウンキス. But what traditional New Year's foods are there?

In the end, I managed to get them to let me introduce a staple at holiday parties: Eggnog.

Truth be told, I've never been to a party where eggnog was served, and I don't really like it that much, but it is a traditional winter beverage in the west, right?



So I made a batch, took it in, and explained it like this:
アメリカでは、お正月より、大みそかはメインですね。家族と一緒に過ごすじゃなくて、友達同士でパーティーをすることが一般的です。だからお正月の伝統的な物はあまりないです。でも、こちらのエッグノッグという飲み物はね、イギリスやアメリカでの、冬のホームパーティーに必ず出てきます。
And then I talked about the ingredients, how we usually put alcohol in it, and used a word that gets thrown around a lot in Japan:
独特（どくとく；peculiar, unique, characteristic).
Alcoholic eggnog has an extremely unique taste, and people usually divide pretty cleanly into "Like it" and "Hate it" categories, which I also said.



You can check out my recipe for eggnog, and more specific details in Japanese on my cooking blog, here: 冬になったら、飲まなきゃ！エッグノッグの作り方！

The other thing we talked about a lot was how I've been paired up a lot this year with a woman named こかどひろこ。

Kokadoさん is a fantastic reporter, and ridiculously talented and funny. It's amazing to get to work with her. But since they pair us together, we... or rather, she, has developed this shtick where she comes on to me, and I get really uncomfortable. We got a handful of emails from people saying that they enjoyed the コント of our コンビ。

コンビ is shorthand for "combination" and most often used to describe a comedy duo.
コント comes from the french word conte and in Japanese, it's used to describe the short, light-hearted, intentionally comedic bits that comedians do.

We got to joke around on air saying 「それってコント？べつにコントのつもりじゃないけど。。。」

And when a clip from one of Kokadoさん's reports came in first place as the most interesting one from last year, they asked me to give her a congratulatory message. To make that message funny, I learned a new phrase, which is actually a cool one to know:
手取り足取り （てとりあしとり）手取り足取りis used to refer to teaching someone how to do something, and it means "with great attention to detail," but look at the kanji. Imagine a teacher "picking up" a students hands and feet and literally showing them how to do something. Any time you've seen some guy using his body to "teach" a girl how to shoot pool, or swing a golf club, or .... anything like that, that's 手取り足取り.
See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.
And just like that guy "teaching" the girl, the Japanese phrase has the same connotation of... ulterior motives.

So I got to say "おめでとうございます！僕もこかどさんみたいに、楽しいリポートをできるようになりたいから、来年も手取り足取りで、色々教えて下さい。"

To which she replied "なんでも教えて上げるわ," in her sultriest voice.

It was a funny moment, and a good broadcast over all.

I'm really grateful that I've been able to work with them this year. The producers got us a variety of Japanese New Year's food, and we had an 打ち上げ (うちあげ；wrap party) afterwards.







I'll be back on the program next friday to talk about ramen, so I've studied up on everything you could ever possibly say about ramen. Will bring you a post on it as soon as I can!

Hope you had a great 2010, and hope you have an even better New Year.

Going to start the first of my new series of posts with an ending.

Last week was the 終業式（しゅうぎょうしき；closing ceremony）for the 2nd trimester at the school where I worked. For me, it marked more than just the end of a school term.

It was my final day as an ALT for the foreseeable future.

In future posts, I'll probably get into how I'm earning money now, or why the timing to walk away was right, but today I just want to talk about saying goodbye, and ways to go about it.

In Japan, employees for most large companies and for the government are used to getting shuffled around between posts. They move from store to store, office to office, sometimes accompanied by pretty big geographical moves too, so they have a lot of practice at saying "Welcome" to the new-comers and "Farewell" to the leavers.

Sometimes there are parties that accompany comings and goings:

歓迎会 (かんげいかい；kangeikai)　for Welcome.
送別会（そうべつかい；soubetsukai) for So Long.A lot of times, one party will actually serve both functions. Out with the old, in with the new in one fell alcohol-fueled swoop.

When there is no party, in the case of my school (where the students who I wanted to say goodbye to wouldn't have been allowed to attend anyhow,) you can do what they call

お別れ（おわかれ；owakare）

別れる means to separate, to part, or to divide. It's the same word used to describe break-ups from boyfriends or girlfriends. When you stick an honorific on the front of it, you can use it to refer to any kind of formal farewell moment.And since the school was kind enough to work an　お別れ into the school's closing ceremony, I was asked for

お別れの言葉 (ことば；kotoba) Parting words.
お別れの挨拶 (あいさつ：aisatsu) Farewell speech.So, without writing out my whole farewell speech for you, I wanted to hit the key phrases and words that you should know how and when to use.

お世話になりました。
おせわになりました。Meaning "You took care of me," with an "I am indebted to you," nuance.
Stick a 大変 on the front to add gravity.
Like よろしくお願いします、you can also use お世話になります in advance when you first meet someone who you hope to have a good relationship with. I think I first introduced お世話になる on this blog when talking about getting into a stranger's car.

今までありがとうございました。Translating as "Thanks for everything up until this point," you might feel inclined to use this just like you would use "色々ありがとうございました," or "いつも、ありがとうございます," but you're gonna want to be careful with it, because the "今まで" makes it OH so FINAL. This is what you say at the end of a relationship, and it indicates that there won't be a continuation of the same relationship beyond this point. I used it in my speech because I wasn't going to be their teacher anymore. People use it for their interpersonal relationships too though, and if someone you're dating ever says it to you, it doesn't mean "I appreciate you." It means "It's over."

You can look up advice on how to give a farewell speech in Japanese online, and most of the sites will tell you that you don't want to dwell on sad stuff or how sorry you are to be leaving. Instead you should go with 前向き (まえむき;forward-looking; positive).

So I was sure to incorporate another staple of Japanese farewell speeches,

またお会いしましょう。Let's meet again. You can change the formality level of this one to suit your needs. When I'm writing to a business contact, I'll say "またお会いできる日を楽しみにしております" to keep it humble. When I was saying it to the kids, I said "また会いましょう。"
For even less formal, "また会おう" works just fine.

If you're looking for how to say goodbye to your school, or your Japanese co-workers, but you're still a beginner, I'd recommend using those 3 key phrases just like that. Try tacking them onto the end of an English goodbye speech, and the Japanese listeners will be happy that you made the effort.

I wrestled with my speech for a handful of reasons. Most of the kids had never heard me speak Japanese, so I mixed in some local dialect to get their attention, and to lighten the mood a little bit. I also came close to tears (泣きそうになった）, because these kinds of ceremonies are big on being "moving," so just getting the words out was rough.

It was an amazing school, and an amazing group of kids. I ended the speech by telling them that I WANTED to say keep working hard and studying English, but that I wasn't going to, because I knew they'd do it on their own anyway. Cheesy, I know, but I really meant it. I told them I was looking forward to coming back and seeing their 成長（せいちょう；growth, progress) and of course, the one thing that I was happiest to be able to say honestly:

君たちと一緒にできた思いで、君たちの事、一生忘れません。
I'll never forget the memories that we made together. I'll never forget you.

Thanks for reading!

Next time, TV!

As I mentioned in the previous post, living with Japanese, day-in and day-out for four years has changed my relationship with it.

I'm a lot less interested in trivia, and more concerned with whatever I'm gonna be expected to know how to say on that particular day.

I think we've had some interesting posts and provided some good conversation material, but with the exception of the KN^4 series, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that we were not giving you extremely useful stuff.

Disagree?

Well, thank you for that. But please direct your attention here and here... and here.

The Daily Yo-ji will retain its name, because we already have a readership (at least I hope we still do) and because I like it. We'll also continue to make posts that are aimed to promote Japanese learning. But to reflect the changes in our lives, we'll be changing our focus.

To that end, let me reintroduce myself.

My name is Jeff. I sometimes go by Bobby Judo. I came to Japan in 2006 with the JET Programme as an ALT, assisting English teachers.

I recently retired from ALTing to pursue my passion: cooking and eating food. I pay the bills by doing translation, waiting tables, organizing cooking classes and events, and by appearing on TV and in magazines. That kind of work is primarily as a gourmet reporter or "food expert" of some kind. I'll also occasionally do modeling or commercials, which usually only require that I look foreign and am willing to make an ass of myself... which I'm kind of bad at.

The upshot is that all of this stuff requires me to do a lot of prep work in the studying department. In the past few months, I've been inundated with a variety of new sets of vocabulary, different speaking platforms which require different modes of speech, and a behind the scenes look at media in Japan.

I hope you'll let me use this blog as a place to post about what I'm doing, and the Japanese that I have to know in order to be able to do it.

I think that I'll end up with a lot of posts about food, because that's a large part of my life, but trust me, the variety of words related to food textures, smells, tastes, and appearance are just as complex and interesting as Yojijukugo.

It also might get complainy at times, because it's going to be much more autobiographical, opinionated and honest. And honestly, sometimes I need to vent.

If I've made you at all curious, please take some time to check out my videos on YouTube,
and my Japanese cooking blog (which has stolen my attention for a while).

Expect the first new post here soon.
Until then, in the spirit of revival, refresh yourself with this post from the archives.

Please accept my apologies for having been gone so long, and if any of our regular readers are still out there, please give us a よろしく in the comments!

今後とも、どうぞよろしくお願いいたします！

If any of you out there are still RSSed up, you will have noticed that we've been a little lax in our updating schedule as of late. To be more precise we have failed to post absolutely anything at all for over 6 months.

I want to talk to you about that some, if that's cool.

See, when I started this blog, I was absolutely smitten with everything about Japanese. Every day, I was discovering charming little quirks that only endeared me more, and I wanted to tell EVERYONE about it. I wanted to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS, like

"OMG you guys, Japanese did the CUTEST thing the other day, you'll never believe it."

I was, for the most part, just happy being with Japanese.

Yeah, we had our squabbles. Some literally brought me to tears. But that's inevitable when you embark on a new life together. There are gonna be some bumps in the road. If you're stubborn and overly proud like me, sometimes you'll just straight up crash into a wall.

But I was in love, and I did everything I possibly could to make it work.

That was

four

fucking

years ago.

I'm here to tell you that the honeymoon is officially over.

Oh, I'm still happy. I still "love" Japanese and all, but it's a different kind of thing.

We've gotten used to each other. We've had years together, and those years have taken away some of our luster. Some of our passion.

I'm no longer at the point where I'm thrilled every time I discover some new little feature or detail. Japanese's dimples are starting to look like pockmarks.

No, it's more like I'm at the point where time has helped me learn the right approach to get Japanese to do what I want it to... sometimes.

I wouldn't say we're in a rut, but I've definitely got my share of pet peeves.

Like, even though I'm still fucking mystified when Japanese just suddenly turns on me, for seemingly no reason at all, somehow, it knows how to push all of my buttons, at all the wrong times.

And if I can confess something here, it's seriously starting to aggravate me that no matter how much time I spend on foreplay, I always seem to get shut down when I suggest that we try going for 1級。

The point I'm trying to make here is twofold:

One: learning Japanese is like having sex with the same person for a long time.
Two: I clearly don't know when to end poorly-constructed metaphors.

Oh, and I'm bringing the blog back.

So, I guess, threefold.

To be continued tomorrow....

ADMINISTRATORS' NOTE:

We're doing our best to prepare for, and hopefully, to help you prepare for the 日本語能力試験１級, but please remember: 1級, by its very nature, consists of grammar that is difficult, highly nuanced, and most of the time, rarely used in regular conversations. That's why it's important that you use our posts as references, to be compared with other study sources, and even more important that you CHECK THE COMMENTS after each post. We're lucky to receive corrections and clarifications from native speakers and other foreigners more knowledgeable than we, and they don't always make it back into the body of the post. Thanks, and 頑張って！

1級 Grammar 11-15:

Rerunning points 11-15, revised explanations and examples, hopefully less half-assed and more accurate than before.

11. ～が早いか
~ no sooner... than
~ as soon as

There are two things that seem to separate 「が早いか」 from similar ２級 points 「かと思うと」 and 「～か～ないかのうちに」. First, all of the book's examples for 「が早いか」 describe things that occur in an objectively short time span:

"As soon as she heard the news, she turned pale."
"As soon as the bell rang, the kids cleared their desks and left."
"As soon as my son had stuck his head in the door and said 「ただ今」, he dropped his backpack and ran off to play."

You can literally imagine all of these things happening in a matter of a few seconds, while the old examples for 「かと思うと」include "Christmas has just ended and it's already New Years." Or "As soon as I finish this job, the boss will give me another one." for 「～か～ないかのうちに.」 I get the sense that the old grammar points lend themselves better to subjective ideas of how fast time has passed. 「が早いか」 seems designed for things that can be objectively established as happening almost at once.

Second, according to the book sentences that include 「が早いか」 end, most often, with verbs in the past tense. The others are not so restricted.

You use it by adding it onto the dictionary form of a verb.

Ex. 散歩に行こうと決めるが早いか、雨が降ってきた。



12. ～からある
~ as many as
~ more than

「か らある」 gets defined as 「もある」, to be used especially in cases when you want to emphasize how large the number is, relatively of course. It seems straightforward enough.

Ex.言語500種類からあるインドという国は歴史が長く、深い文化を持つ国です。

13. ～きらいがある
~ to have a tendency to

I don't know whether or not it's related, but the fact that 「きらい」 is a part of this grammar point makes it easier to remember that it's only used to express a negative judgement about that tendency. Also, it's not used to talk about things like "a tendency to get sick," or a "tendency to miss work" (use ～がちだ for those), but for talking about the essential nature of a person.

Often used in the same sentence as phrases like 「ともとすると」 and 「とかく。」 Use it with the dictionary form of a verb, of following a noun + の.

Ex. インターネットで、簡単に仲間と連絡のやり取りはできるし、色んな情報をすぐ調べることもできるので、本当に便利なものだと思います。しかし僕みたいな若者は、ともするとインターネットに頼りすぎるきらいがあるでしょう。

14. ～極まる　・　～極まりない
~extremely
~ exceedingly
We've talked about 極める in our other posts. It means "to take something to the extreme," and can be used to talk about "mastering," or "perfecting" something. In this case, it only gets used negatively, and only shows up in writing, according to the book.　It expresses a very STRONG judgement.

極まりない is like a stronger version of 「嫌だ,」 or 「不愉快だ.」 It expresses the same idea.

The format for it is : （な形容詞　・　名詞１）＋極まる＋名詞２

or: 　（な形容詞　・　名詞１）＋極まる　・　極まりない　(and you can end the clause here, or add another めいし）.

This ones a bit hard, so here are some book examples.
その小説を読んでみたが、平凡極まるストーリーで、がっかりした。
I tried to read that book, but the story was so extremely cliche that I was disappointed.
電車が近づいているのに、踏切を渡るとは、危険極まりない。
Crossing the tracks while the train is approaching is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

And mine:

Ex.授業妨害や苛めなどのような失礼極まる行為を許せません。

15. ～ごとき　・　～ごとく
~ like
~ as
～のような
～のように

This is another one that is only used in writing, and is a very formal way of saying things. Besides that, it doesn't seem very difficult.

名詞　（with or withoutの）+ ごとき + 名詞

or

名詞　＋　ごとく　＋（形容詞・動詞）

Ex. 皆様のごとき日本人が私たちの変な日本語をいつも丁寧に訂正して下さることに感謝しています。

This is an awesome video that a student named Kenichi made as his final thesis project. Not only is it great on a graphic design level, but the content is pretty interesting. Check it out. English version available on Vimeo if you want it.


Japan - The Strange Country (Japanese ver.) from Kenichi on Vimeo.

さんかんしおん
san kan shi on

Pretty much everything about winter weather pisses me off, but nothing gets under my skin quite so much as the big Spring Tease we're suffering through in Japan this year.

It was a brutally cold winter and the first time in 4 years I've seen snow stick in Saga. And it didn't just stick, we had 13cms. And after that it started getting warm, I stopped wearing gloves and long underwear (お爺ちゃんパンツ, as my girlfriend calls them), then BAM! Snow again!

Then it jumped up into the 20s last week, but today and yesterday, I was back to using the はる　ほっかいろ that keep me alive during the worst parts of winter.

Talking about this weather with my co-workers, I found out that not only is this weather an annually expected phenomenon, BUT there's a 四字熟語 for it.

Definition:
冬季に寒い日が三日ほど続くと、そのあと四日ほど温暖な日が続き、また寒くなるというように7日周期で寒暖が繰り返される現象
Translation:
Specific to the transition between winter and spring, cold weather that gets warm for a few days, then cold again.
Literally: 3 days of cold, 4 days of hot.

What's more, generally the cold days during a 三寒四温 period are characterized by clear sunny weather, and the warm days are gray and wet. Absolutely true of this week!

For your practical purposes, you can stop reading here. If you're a "knowing stuff" dork like me, please read on.

The original expression comes from China of course, by way of Korea, because the phenomenon is much more common there. This is due to what's called the "Siberian High," a collection of cold dry air. It goes through cycles of growing weak and strong, which are thought to cause the vascillation between warm and cold as winter ends and spring begins. However, Japan feels the effects of not only the Siberian High, but also the Pacific High, equally dry, but subtropical, so not cold.

Because Japan deals with the two, 三寒四温 is not as regularly occurring as it is in China or Korea. It's more of a "Will it happen this year or not?" kind of thing.

Also of note, in recent years the phrase has started to be used to talk about the beginning of spring when the air pressure alternates between high and low, and warm weather starts. While you can't call this incorrect, it's not the original meaning.

As far as examples of use go, this one is pretty much a stand alone thing. Like if someone said "It's so cold today, but it was warm yesterday," I'd be all like "三寒四温。" The End.