As many of you already know, Rudius Media is closing its doors.
However, I am not going anywhere.
Updates may take some time occasionally, but I've never forgotten about this blog or any of the readers. I'm just glad to actually have people who want to read what I write.
I'm currently working with RM to get ownership of the gaijinsmash.net domain. I'm also working on transferring the contents of this site back onto my personal website, www.outpostnine.com. All of this is currently in-progress, but I fear that RM's shutdown may occur before everything can be finished.
So if Gaijin Smash disappears, or you go to Outpost Nine and find that the GS editorials aren't there and it hasn't been updated in awhile, don't worry - I haven't disappeared, I am working on it. Hopefully I can get everything smoothed out and working within this week, but it may take longer.
Thank you everyone for your continued readership, and I hope to see all of you on the new site!
If you can't beat em...join em?
By now my seething hatred of Japanese television should be fairly well known. If Hollywood has taught us anything about life, its that when one person hates something so passionately, so derisively, that there are only two possible conclusions - an all-out fight to the death, or for the hate to turn into romance of some sort. While my plan to rain down unparalleled destruction on Japanese TV networks is still in the planning phases (do you have any idea how hard it is to gather Satan's minions...?), I may have to put it on hold for a while, as...well...now I'm actually appearing on TV.
Calm down, I haven't become the next Bob Sapp or Bobby Ologun *shudder*. So far its only been a few random appearances on one TV show. ...So, how does that happen anyway?
Last year with my wedding ceremony coming up I was crunched for cash. I was also working the Job From Hell (see the Sour Apples entries), so I was regularly checking job postings - something part-time I could do in addition to my job to help with the wedding costs, or a full-time job to replace the nightmare I was working at then. I came across an ad for a talent agency for foreigners. The office wasn't located too far from my workplace, so I figured why not - I contacted them one day and went for an interview/screening during lunch break.
They explained that they are an agency that provides foreigners for various roles in the Japanese entertainment business. TV spots, movie extras, commercials, etc. I gave them my information and took some profile pictures. They said they would give me a call if any good projects came up that would be suited for me.
I did get calls from them for time to time. Usually something that called for a large black man. For the most part, filming took place during a weekday, and as I had regular work then I declined a lot. I did get one offer where the filming was scheduled for a weekend. Part of some random variety show involving language differences. A Japanese guy in China goes into an English school expecting to find a beautiful woman teacher, but is instead greeted by me. ...Yeah, I would have been disappointed too. There's a Japanese/Chinese language joke in there, but I am far too lazy to explain it, so those who do know can enjoy their nice private chuckle.
A few months ago, I got a call for a TV show, and the shooting was to take place on Sunday. The script called for a big black guy who could speak Japanese, and I had nothing better to do on Sunday, so it was a match. The TV show this time is a show on the MBS network called "Samurai Chuto" - starring the comedy duo of Tutorial (in Japanese, tutorial becomes "chuutoriaru" - thus, Samurai "Chuto"). It also features a female comedy duo called Harisenbon. Tutorial is very famous, among the A-list of Japanese TV personalities. Harisenbon are also fairly popular, I doubt there are many people in Japan who are unfamiliar with them. The show also features regular guest-stars who are also part of the Japanese TV A-list club.
...I guess that's a big thing? I kinda sorta didn't care. My wife, however, shit bricks.
Her: OMGOMGOMG! You're gonna be on TV! With Tutorial!
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Her: This is HUGE!
Me: ...Really?
Her: YES! Wow, I never imagined I would get married to a TV celebrity...
Me. ...Whoa now, hold the phone. I'm doing a random dumb foreigner bit in a TV show. That hardly makes me a celebrity.
Her: You never know. This could be your big break! You could be like that Soft Bank guy!
Me: And become the second-fiddle to a cute white dog? I'll pass on that, thanks...
I forget the name of the skit, but it took place in a school for helping Gaijin become famous in Japan. The "teacher", Tutorial's Tokui, points out that since Bobby, there haven't been any foreigners who've had a big break in Japan; therefore, this is a good chance for someone to step up and succeed. The "Gaijin" included Yama-chan of Nankai Candies as a Brazilian, Tutorial's Fukuda as...an African? (we'll ignore the black-face makeup...because that makes life easier), Haruka of Harisenbon as a Chinese girl, and Haruna of Harisenbon as...well...Marilyn Monroe. I'm not making this up.
After Tokui gives a short lesson about famous Gaijin talent and their shtick, he tests their reactions by giving them an umeboshi - its a pickled plum-like fruit...thingy. Forgive my overly scientific explanation there. As Gaijin, its their first time to eat an umeboshi, so they should have an appropriate reaction to it. After the 4 Gaijin fail in coming up with an appropriate response, I come in, late. Tokui gives me an umeboshi, to which my reaction is considered to be the correct one and the other students are instructed to take notes.
My lines here weren't actually scripted. Upon arriving at the very first rehearsal, I was told to just come up with something on the fly. Somewhat ironically, I had just eaten umeboshi for the first time about two weeks prior. ...Yes, I have lived in this country for almost 6 years, and? I've never really thought "Man, I'm craving some umeboshi right about now!", and the few times its come included with a bento or something I usually just skipped over it. Forgive me if I'm not inclined to eat something that looks like a turd from a California Raisin.
So, a few weeks prior to even getting the phone call about the show, I was eating an bento with an umeboshi, and for whatever reason (divine intervention?), I decided to eat it for the first time. Thinking it was just another variety of picked vegetable, I was moderately surprised to find it had a hard core. At the time, I thought nothing of it.
So, showtime. In front of some of Japan's most famous comedians, I'm handed an umeboshi and told to improv a reaction to it. I remember back to my initial surprise of the core a few weeks ago. I bite down into it and with my teeth loudly clashing with the core, I grab my jaw in pain and say "Um, there's something kinda hard in here..."
Apparently, this was really the correct response. The talent, the crew, anyone who happened to be randomly watching burst into laughter; Tokui even dropped to the ground (The Sanma Epic Maneuver?). Yama-chan points out "He really did bite into it, I heard the crunch!" Afterwards, the actors and crew told me to stick with that line, as it was a winner.
After one or two more rehearsals we moved to the actual set, and after just one more rehearsal we filmed the actual skit. I repeated my action of genuinely biting into the umeboshi - I have to completely immerse myself into my characters y'know. After taking my seat and having the students repeat my reaction, Tokui asked me some random questions. Again, these were unscripted; I hadn't prepared for them, and didn't even really know what he was going to ask me.
He asked who my favorite Japanese actress was. My mind raced - I don't really have one. Or at least, one that doesn't do porn. I thought about giving as one of my answers one of the Japanese female comedians - usually, female comedians are known for being not cute/ugly, so me saying she was a favorite actress would have been the "dumb" response. I couldn't think of one in particular though, and the cameras were actually rolling. So my body did what it does in all emergency situations - give all the decision making powers to Penis.
Tokui: So, who is your favorite Japanese actress?
Anxiety: C'mon we gotta answer! Brain! What are you doing up there?!
Brain: Who do I say? Sayaka Aoki? No, too obvious. Morisanchu? What if they take me seriously on that one? Miyuki Torii? Way too insane. Haruna Kondo? Goddamnit, she's sitting right next to you!
Anxiety: Brain! We don't got no time here!
Brain: Aaah...I can't do this! Penis! You take the blood, and do something!
Penis: Leave this shit to me. Eyes!
Eyes: Yes sir!
Penis: Gimme a visual on a chick we saw on the magazine ad on the train.
Eyes: Right away! View screen recall, time 1437 hours.
Penis: That's her!
Anxiety: Well, she's cute, but why her?
Penis: You dumbass, stop looking at her face and look a little lower...
Anxiety: ...Wow. Those are some nice tits.
Penis: I know, right? And on a Japanese broad! Okay, now Brain! Access the memory logs, give me a name...
Brain: Okay, gimme a sec, coming up now...
Az: That would be Ayase Haruka.
Apparently, this answer was also funny in how "normal" it was. Like, they were expecting me to say something off-the-wall, and because I didn't that was funny. ...Okay?
(Later, at a different shoot, some random guy introduced himself to me and said he works for the same company that employs Ms. Ayase. He half-jokingly offered to introduce me to her. That's cool and all but...what would I even do?
Brain: Hmm, this guy here says maybe he could introduce us to Ms. Ayase.
Penis: Miss Tits? Up close and personal?! DO WANT.
Heart: Yeah, and? We're married, its not like we can do anything.
Penis: C'mon now! The little missus would understand. She'd have to. This is one of those situations where you get the Get of Of Jail Free card!
Anxiety: Does anyone remember that Friends episode with Ross and the laminated list?
Brain: STFU Anx. No mentioning Friends around here.
Heart: Even if our wife did forgive us that (highly unlikely...), its not like we'd have a shot. "Hi, my name is Az, I was the foreigner on that show who said that you were his favorite actress." "Oh, its you! Wow, I thought you were a manly stud on television, but in person you're so much more studlier. And I was just thinking I wanted to have hot sweaty sex with a big black man. Won't you take me to a love hotel right now?" Like THAT's going to happen!
Penis: C'mon. Can't you let a penis have a dream?)
Tokui also asked me why. Heh heh, why huh? I don't quite remember what I said, but I think it was along the lines of her being very "talented"*. Tokui saw right through me though, and said "Yeah, talented with a nice body!" even drawing curves with his hands. ...I'm glad to see that not all Japanese men are attracted to half-anorexic stick figures. This part didn't actually make it on TV though, and that's probably for the best.
*There's a Sailor Moon dub joke in there. If you get it, pat yourself on the back for being a very old uber-nerd. If you don't, appreciate the fact that you have a real life and don't know enough about Sailor Moon, much less the dub of it, to catch the in-joke.
Tokui then asked about my favorite place in Japan. Again, temples and what not seemed like a boring answer. So I came up with the most non-boring yet honest answer I could - the toilet. I didn't get to explain why, but there's method to my madness - toilets in Japan have seat warmers. Seat warmers! The best thing ever. And then there's the bidet, which sprays a warm jet of water directly into your ass...its a little off-putting at first, yes, but once you've had bidet you'll never go back.
About a month or two later, the episode aired on national Japanese television. I watched it together with my wife - she was beside herself with laughter. I was more embassed than anything. Is my voice really that high pitched? Goddayum. BRB, gotta take some baritone lessons...
I figured that would be the end of my brief stint into Japanese television, but apparently not - I got a callback, asking me to come shoot more sketches. Apparently, I made a good enough impression the first time for the producers to want to use me again. I've been to a total of three shoots so far - material from the first two have already aired, with material from the third going on air tomorrow. So if you live in Japan (or have access to Japanese TV for whatever reason), tune into Samurai Chuto Tuesday, November 3rd at 11:30PM on MBS to see me in action. ...Keep your expectations low.
(As for the stuff that's already aired, I did a casual search to see if the show had been uploaded to YouTube or even NicoNico, as many Japanese shows are. While there are some random clips from Samurai Chuto, it doesn't look like anyone bothers to upload the episodes regularly, or at least any of the ones I've been in. I recorded them using the TV tuner on my computer (One Seg), but I have no idea how to do anything with the saved video other than watch it.)
My wife is still hoping that this is my big break to stardom. I actually don't particularly want to be famous. If I can get money from it, sure, but being famous doesn't really look like a whole lot of fun. The only fun part would be loads of cute groupies, but being married sort of cancels that out as well. I'm actually sort of ambivalent about the whole thing. I mentioned to some friends that I would be busy Sunday with filming, and one of them said "I love how this guy just casually says "I'm doing a TV shoot tomorrow" like its no big deal whatsoever. What kind of life do you lead anyway?"
...Well...you know.
Maybe I'll tackle radio next...
As most of you know, I don't really care about celebrities and entertainment news. They're just ordinary people who happen to appear on TV and in movies and what not, so I don't understand the obsession with following their lives. I do try to keep up with the news and current events, and unfortunately in doing so I'm exposed to celebrity news. Its almost unavoidable. Anyway, looking at some celebrity "incidents" that have happened in Japan over the past year got me thinking about how differently these things are handled/viewed back home.
First off, for those who don't follow Japanese celebrity news (most of you I hope...?) a brief recap.
Tsuyoshi Kusanagi - a member of the boy band juggernaut SMAP, he was found earlier this year drunk and naked in a public park, and arrested on charges of public indecency. Upon his arrest, he allegedly asked "What's wrong with being naked?" Which, I think, is an awesome question. The answer, Mr. Kusanagi is fairly simple - you are male. Had you been an attractive female, you would not have been arrested.
The incident became a fairly big deal, conquering news headlines for about a week. ...Economy in the shitter? North Korea pointing missiles at us again? Bo-oring! Hey, boy band member naked in the park? Now THAT's news! Kusanagi was pulled from several commercials he starred in, and the SMAP variety TV show went on about a month long hiatus, at which point they showed reruns that carefully omitted Kusanagi. His office and his fellow band members apologized profusely, and Kusanagi himself retreated to Korea for a few months to let things blow over.
After the initial meltdown, the fallout afterwards was relatively light. Kusanagi came back to Japan and went back to work churning out generic boy band songs and the SMAP TV show came back, again featuring talking celebrities who eat things. Some of the commercials he starred in that got pulled even came back. Many people even sympathized with Kusanagi. Because hey, what's wrong with being naked? ...I like that catch phrase so much, I'm going to try and incorporate it into everything now. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Tomonori Jinnai - a comedian, he made headlines several years ago when he married the beautiful starlet Norika Fujiwara. I was in Japan when this happened, and I didn't understand why this was a big deal. Still don't, actually. I can only assume its because a comedian is getting hitched to a beautiful woman. Because you know, comedians have to fight off the beautiful women with a stick. People tell me I can be funny, and man, everyday I'm fighting off women who love me for my massive sense of humor. And everyone knows that class clowns in high school totally get all the pussy, jocks and assholes can only watch from the sidelines and cry over how they'll never be as successful with women. ...Okay, I think I've used up the sarcasm quota for that paragraph, gotta stop now.
Anyway, this year Jinnai's marriage made headlines again - or rather, his divorce. Turns out he suffered from a massive case of infidelity, which, amazingly enough, was not a-ok with Norika. ...What's wrong with being naked (with other women)? Norika sweetie, you should have known the risks marrying a heartthrob comedian.
I wanted to continue another sarcastic "funny guys get all the girls" rant there, but I can already hear the National Sarcasm Bureau knocking on my door.
Anyway, fallout for this was rather non-existant. While there are some girls who may not like Jinnai anymore for being a cheating bastard (the wife included), he still regularly appears on TV. The divorce and his massive infidelity has even become a running gag of sorts. I dunno how his love life is faring, but as long as he continues to be a funny, funny man I'm sure girls will continue to line up around the block to wet their panties as he tells them jokes.
...I'm not bitter. Really.
Noriko Sakai - very popular actress and singer. Her husband was found carrying "stimulant" drugs (methamphetamines? I don't think the media has really defined what the drugs are). She was called into the police station for questioning...and then disappeared. She resurfaced about a week later...roughly the same amount of time it would take for the drugs to wash out of her system. How convieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient. /Church Lady.
After finding drugs and drug stuff at her house(s) and even finding some traces in her hair, she admitted to the charges. She is currently on trial, with prosecutors seeking jail time of 1.5 years. Though this is currently on-going, the potential fallout is devastating. Her career in the entertainment industry is most likely done.
(Another actor, Manabu Oshio, was also caught with drugs after a woman he was in a hotel room with died of an overdose. Much like Sakai, his career is probably over as well.)
I was thinking about this situation, and couldn't help but to think about similar incidents that have happened to American celebs. I won't name names (do I even have to?), but certain celebs are well-known drug addicts/abusers, and not only do they not face criminal charges, they also continue with their entertainment careers. We don't even bat an eye if it emerges that some famous person did or does drugs - almost like its expected. We even make jokes about it.
On the other hand, if it emerges that someone is having an affair, its treated much more seriously. I've read about the troubles of David Letterman as well as that ESPN sportscaster (too lazy/don't care to look up his name). Letterman is one thing, but the ESPN guy got fired. For...having sex? Is that something you can fire someone over? Is that in the contract or something? (I'd better check my work contract...) And if you'll remember way back when with me, we even tried to fire a president for it.
I'm not one to say which offense - adultery or abuse of illegal substances - is technically "worse". I just thought it interesting in how two different countries dealt with these things. If they were American, Jinnai's career could potentially take a blow, while Sakai could keep on keeping on.
I didn't/can't compare Kusanagi's situation to anyone back home. Sure, there have been naked celeb incidents (that teeny-bopper High School Musical girl comes to mind, whatever her name is....God I feel old now...), but everyone knows that naked women >* naked men. This isn't even the rambling of a heterosexual male, that's just how it is in general. Pictures of naked men don't crash celebrity gossip sites or get legal action started or really ruffle anyone's feathers. No one cares about naked men. The female nipple, however, has the power to change movie ratings, alter broadcast and censorship laws (and even create a few!), cancel traffic tickets, feed hungry children, get air conditioners turned off (on cranked up higher...) I mean, what can't the female nipple do? I know my nips don't have that kind of power. I don't even know why I have nipples, honestly.
It would have been interesting if, instead of Kusanagi, we got some female celebrity naked and drunk in a park. I'm not sure what the Japanese reaction would have been. Depending on which female celebrity, I would guess either apathy, disgust, or a complete and total meltdown of Japanese society. If we get lucky enough to have some Japanese actress get drunk and naked in public, I'll be sure to report the results back here.
...If any Japanese actresses happen to be reading this, would you mind being a pal and helping out with this little social experiment? It's no big deal, really. I mean...what's wrong with being naked?
One of the tough things about keeping up a site that catalogues the weird little quirks of Japan, is that the longer you live here, the more the weird becomes normal. Living here 5 going on 6 years, I don't even bat an eye anymore at grandmothers with rainbow-colored hair, old men in dresses, festivals that worship the penis, et al. It's just...Japan. But on the other hand, the closer I get to Japan being normal, the further I get from my home of America being normal. So now Japanese people can point out things about my homeland that they don't get, and I can understand where they're coming from somewhat. I'm not sure if America will ever reach the levels of eyebrow-raising hijinks that Japan does...but not for the lack of trying.
This is not the main thing I want to get at in this post (although it will become relevant later), but many Japanese people wonder why Americans are unable to slurp noodles. I, like most Americans I imagine, was raised on the belief that slurping or otherwise making loud sounds when you eat is fairly rude. When eating ramen, or udon/soba if it actually had a taste, I gradually bring the noodless into my mouth, soundlessly, and then chew on them. This FASCINATES Japanese people, who slurp on noodles like there is no tomorrow. Apparently, you are unable to "fully enjoy the taste of the noodle" unless you slurp it. I've asked for some sort of scientific backing of this claim, but have yet to get any. Japanese people have actually requested that I slurp noodles, and I just have the complete inability to do so, which also blows their mind. Its almost like I've said "I'm 30 years old and never experienced orgasm", as if slurping in your noodles instead of chewing them brings your taste buds one step closer to orgasmic joy or something. You may think I'm exaggerating, but go ask the nearest Japanese person about their feelings on slurping noodles and see what happens. You may want to keep a raincoat or plastic tarp handy, just in case.
Which brings me to this; last week, a random Japanese guy asked me a question I honestly couldn't answer: why do American women in porn make that sucking-in air noise?
You know what I'm talking about. Go fire up an American porn and listen for it. "Oh yeah baby....SUUUUUUU...oh that feels good...SUUUUUU...yeah, right there...SUUUUUUU!"
I don't know if this sound has always been present in porn and I just never noticed it, or if its a new invention. I'm not sure who decided that women making vacuum-cleaner noises would be sexy in porn...but there are a lot of un-sexy things in porn, it feels kind of pointless to focus on just one.
Anyway, a Japanese guy asked me this, and I simply had no answer for him. He then asked if it was limited to porn; do American women make this sound in real life as well? Unfortunately, I couldn't answer this question eithers. It's been a LONG time since I've been with a non-Asian woman, and quite frankly I've forgotten what its like (*insert some sort of teardrop smiley emoticon here*). This isn't a result of some crazed Yellow Fever binge - I tried to find foreign women, but couldn't, or they were just too difficult to deal with.
Anyway, yeah, the sucking-in air noise. I don't get it. This is something my wife had also noticed when we watched some American porns together. Having been asked about it, I mentioned it casually to her upon coming home. She then hit me with this, and I don't think I've actually stopped laughing since -
"Yeah, that sucking-in air noise! I have a new theory about that. I have a feeling that, during sex, that noise is natural, and this is why Americans can't slurp ramen or other noodles. If women make the slurping noise, it reminds them too much of what they sound like during sex, so they become embarrased. If guys make the slurping noise, then he'll sound like a woman having sex, so he can't do it either. Yeah, I think I figured it out..."
I regained my composure long enough to ask her if the sucking in noise was "natural", she said - "Well, you know, every race has their own unique noise. For us Japanese women, its crying like babies. For American women, it must be that sucking-in noise. I don't know about other women though. Hey! Maybe you can go out there and do a survey or something!"
At this point, I asked - "Does this mean I have permission to have sex with girls from multiple nationalities?"
Her reponse - "No! Just find them, and ask them what noises they make during sex."
Yeah, I'm sure that will be an excellent conversation piece. "Hi! Where are you from? How long have you been in Japan? During sex, do you find your screams of passion to resemble the sound of a 14.4k modem, or the sound you make when eating fried chicken off the bone?"
So my fellow Americans, the next time you go to a ramen/noodle place, do the wonderful sounds of noodle slurping remind you of hot, sweaty sex? If it didn't before, will it now?
Its these little things that help us to understand our cultures better.
I don't think I've officially come out and said it, but I have a new job.* Its further from my old job, which means I have to ride an earlier train. Yep, you guessed it...new train crew.
*New job is also the reason why I don't post so much. I'm getting closer and closer to the Japanese salaryman dream/nightmare with each passing day.
Although one morning, I was running late and ended up riding the old train. Didn't see Sub-Zero (but this is the summer, maybe he's hibernating...?), but I did see Shorty and Brandy. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but Shorty chews on her fingers, a bad habit that has apparently still continued up until now. Shorty is kind of cute, but girls who like to bite down on long cylindrical objects tend to lose sex appeal points. Brandy got a haircut - I like longer hair so I'm not a fan, but she's still cute and still carries stupidly expensive bags. Even if we did hook up, I imagine she wouldn't let me hit unless the condom was from Versace or something. I also didn't see Massive Melon Tits or Tats, so I can only hope that they and their plentiful/graffitied bosoms are doing well wherever they are.
But anyway, enough about the past. Here come the new challengers!
Goth Velma - I figure this name should be self-explanatory. She wears an outfit very similar to Velma from Scooby-Doo, except all in black. Unlike the student I nicknamed Velma, she doesn't wear glasses, and I've never actually looked at her face so I don't know if the resemblance extends there.
Goth Velma, much like her cartoon counterpart, wears the same damn clothes every single day. Same black sweater, same black shirt, same black knee-high socks. She has a cardigan-coat-thingy (surprisingly enough, she has two in two different colors; gray and black!) which she also wore while it was still spring - being summer you figure she'd leave it at home, right? Nope, carries it. Or, wears it sometimes too, despite the outside weather being hot enough to make The Human Torch start to sweat a little bit.
In this culture of salarymen and uniforms, it shouldn't be that unusual for people to wear the same thing everyday. But this woman's attire doesn't particular look like a uniform, which leads me to believe that she makes the conscious decision to wake up every morning and wear the same thing. Which, in fashion-savvy Japan, is just downright weird. That, or she has an entire closet filled with nothing but the same outfit.
Every morning, I look to see if she's wearing something, anything different, and I'm always disappointed. At this point, I don't know what would happen if I saw her in different clothes. I'm thinking along the lines of the fabric of space and time being ripped to shreds.
This woman vexes me, and one day I will know her secret.
Jigglypuff - Woman who rides at my stop. She would be the 3rd Generation of Massive Melon Tits, but the rest of her is also kind of round, which takes away the impact of the melon tits. Also, she does really look like the Pokemon Jigglypuff.
...And who thought up that name anyway? Just say it out loud a few times and see if you don't giggle to yourself. Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff. This has got to be proof that there's more weed in Japan than we thought.
Hefuna-san: Salary man in his 30's or 40's, he gets this nick because he reads the porn section of the newspaper every day. Not an exaggeration - every day. I may have ranted on this before, but what's the point of reading porn on the train? To go into work sexually frustrated? To me, porn really only has one purpose, and if you can't use it for that purpose...then what's the point? But who knows, maybe he's a photographer or something, and looking at it for the aesthetic values. "Hmm, yes, this is a nice picture, but if they'd kept the nightgown covering just one breast instead of full exposure, and if she moved her right leg about 7 degrees inward this would have been a powerful piece about the role of Japanese women in modern society."
...But I highly doubt that.
The funny thing about porn newspapers though is that its not like the entire newspaper is dedicated to porn. Actually, I think its a sports newspaper with a couple of porn pages in the middle. I say I think because I've never actually bought one. ...Not to say I'm all "porn is bad!", because no, porn is wonderful. Just, in this day and age, I've graduated from still pictures (that was SO 1997...) and moved on to HD DVD rips.
I have a few of these HD DVD rips on my iPod (for porn emergencies), but would never actually watch it on the train. Since joining the salaryman working world and being forced to wear suits every day, I've come to realize just how thin suit pants are. In other words, if you start to enjoy the porn a little too much...well...pretty much everyone would know about it. If I were a bolder man, I'd get the attention of the cutest girl on the train, point to my raging erection and give her an "how about it?" wink or something. As is I'm timid and married, so that's not gonna happen.
If any of you brazen single guys would like to try this though, I'd love to hear the results.*
*Gaijin Smash does not assume any legal responsibility for what may happen.
Toucan Sam - Much fuss is made over the broken grills of Japanese women. And yes, there are many women who seem cute at first, but then they smile and reveal a row of teeth that would make Jaws himself swim away whimpering in fear.
This woman has the reverse problem. Her teeth are fine. Its her lips. They look like she kissed one of Muhammed Ali's fists the night before. Or rather, he punched both jaws inward first, and then smacked her in the lips. It's actually kind of fascinating.
Baxter Stockman - This guy looks EXACTLY like Baxter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon (the classic '87 version of course...heroes in a half shell, turtle power!). The resemblance is downright uncanny. ...The human version, of course.
I sort of keep my distance from him, there's nothing in this world I hate more than bugs, and if he were to someday undergo the fly transformation I just don't have a can of Raid big enough for the job.